this christmas was great. and to bring things up to another level, it was actually the first time spending christmas in HOGC.
5 months in Heart of God Church already.
this 5 months were really the best i had in my christian life.
this 5 months were the best period i had experienced the Love and Glory of God's presence.
the Lord has placed my in HOGC and pathed the way for me,
and i see it.
never have i seen such passion and fire for God.
i am proud to be here,
here in the Heart of God.
Christmas was great. awesome.
and every year, we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.
many a times we rejoice and make ourselves happy on this special day.
for many many years, christmas has just been a day of routine celebration for us.
gifts exchange, caroles.
but have we in fact measured how it could have been like for Jesus?
and He, knowing since the day he was born, was to die on the cross for all of us.
to sacrifice Himself so tragically on the cross, like a lamb.
should He see his birthday as some sort of a celebration?
God's love for us is so, so strong.
so unconditional...
and as i type this, i feel so guilty. so broken...
as i imagined the scene,
Jesus carrying the weight of the cross up the hill,
but it wasnt the weight of the cross which was hurting Him.
it is the immense weight of our sins on His shoulders.
and He was so willing to bear it for us.
He was yet human. not having God-like strength to bear that load.
nobody. at all could have done that, without the Love that Jesus had for us.
that was not all,
Him, climbing up the hill and falling 3 times over.
and as He looked up and saw around Him,
people He so loved,
the reason why He was going through all that...
and yet they were spitting on Him!
they were despising Him!
scorning and laughing!
and i choked...
how could we be so, so
disgusting?
and i question my worth,
do a single bit did i deserve any tinge of His Love.
and tears welled up in my eyes.
no, not at all.
what was going through the mind of human Jesus when He was nailed to the cross?
experiencing excruciating pain for people who didnt even appreciate what He was going through at all....
and He'd seen it all from the day He was borned.
Christmas huh.
and the only reason why christmas existed was the day He had to die on the cross.
why should we feel so happy?
why should we be celebrating?
do we know at all, why we celebrate and exchange gifts on christmas?
no, we are not celebrating christmas because it is Jesus' birthday.
but we rejoice and give thanks to God every year because He has given us the most precious and most important and invaluable gift of our entire existence.
He gave us something we so do not deserve, and in fact we deserved death.
and this present, so precious,
we have this joy in our hearts.
this joy and comfort in God's Everlasting Love.
that is why we celebrate Christmas.
we celebrate the Love of God.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Majesty
Thousands and Thousands have come
and tell of the wonders He've done.
how can anyone doubt the God of Love we have?
oh, and Heaven is singing tonight=)
and tell of the wonders He've done.
how can anyone doubt the God of Love we have?
oh, and Heaven is singing tonight=)
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
awaken.
how often we find ourselves subconciously drifted away from Him?
from the path God had in plan for us.
and how often we find ourselves different, ungodly, and unclean?
so much so that we disgust ourselves.
yet, a part of us wants to live comfortably in that sinful ways.
life without God is so luring.
so dangerous.
the longer we live this kind of lives,
the more dead we are to the word of God.
yet, by the grace of God,
He always provides a way back.
i must admit i backslide alot.
i live a rollercoaster life.
and alot of christians do too.
i do go to church every week,
and i really do feel the presence of God in church.
but once i leave the house of God,
the lure of satan is so strong...
it seemed fine to live my life like that.
it seemed alright and even comfortable to get on with my daily works, without Him.
that left me so vulnerable to sin,
but i didnt know it.
life just kept me busy.
unknowingly i have pushed God out of my mind, and out of my heart.
I've always wonder why i am so prone to sin.
it is because ive failed to maintain my relationship with God.
ive failed to put God in control of my life.
i needed to wake up.
because a life so comfortable i lived in, without God.
without His direction, is so dangerous.
its wrong.
i am left outside,
exposed to the tides of this world.
to the arrows and storms.
i always thought that all these troubles that comes my way belongs to that of the evil one.
and it was he who is trying to tear me down.
but no,
God sent these waves.
God sent these storms.
He did that to wake me up,
to jolt me up.
so that i may know how far i have already drifted away from Him.
and its because He loves me.
so unconditionally,
so mercifully.
and He so willing to die for my sins
so that i can be forgiven and return back into His embrace.
thank you oh God.
oh You are just so beautiful...
God sent me a storm that racked up my life.
but He left my soul intact.
not just,
He sent jieru to speak to me and
He showed me to a blog.
belonging to a sec 2 boy.
and the blog posts revealed what maturity and sprituality far beyond his age.
and how ashamed they left me.
yet so inspiring and powerful,
all by God's plan.
Gavin is his name.
but i see pass the blog posts.
pass the words he used,
i see a star shinning for Jesus.
i see a heart so burning for God.
and i am proud of him. i am envious of him.
with such great aspirations.
and such burning desires for God.
you will find great favour in God.
and you will grow to become a real Man.
now,
you dream big and you will achieve.
as long as you put your faith in Christ Jesus.
and you walk your path next to Him.
renew your soul everyday with prayer and the Word of God.
and you will live the destiny He planned for you.
from the path God had in plan for us.
and how often we find ourselves different, ungodly, and unclean?
so much so that we disgust ourselves.
yet, a part of us wants to live comfortably in that sinful ways.
life without God is so luring.
so dangerous.
the longer we live this kind of lives,
the more dead we are to the word of God.
yet, by the grace of God,
He always provides a way back.
i must admit i backslide alot.
i live a rollercoaster life.
and alot of christians do too.
i do go to church every week,
and i really do feel the presence of God in church.
but once i leave the house of God,
the lure of satan is so strong...
it seemed fine to live my life like that.
it seemed alright and even comfortable to get on with my daily works, without Him.
that left me so vulnerable to sin,
but i didnt know it.
life just kept me busy.
unknowingly i have pushed God out of my mind, and out of my heart.
I've always wonder why i am so prone to sin.
it is because ive failed to maintain my relationship with God.
ive failed to put God in control of my life.
i needed to wake up.
because a life so comfortable i lived in, without God.
without His direction, is so dangerous.
its wrong.
i am left outside,
exposed to the tides of this world.
to the arrows and storms.
i always thought that all these troubles that comes my way belongs to that of the evil one.
and it was he who is trying to tear me down.
but no,
God sent these waves.
God sent these storms.
He did that to wake me up,
to jolt me up.
so that i may know how far i have already drifted away from Him.
and its because He loves me.
so unconditionally,
so mercifully.
and He so willing to die for my sins
so that i can be forgiven and return back into His embrace.
thank you oh God.
oh You are just so beautiful...
God sent me a storm that racked up my life.
but He left my soul intact.
not just,
He sent jieru to speak to me and
He showed me to a blog.
belonging to a sec 2 boy.
and the blog posts revealed what maturity and sprituality far beyond his age.
and how ashamed they left me.
yet so inspiring and powerful,
all by God's plan.
Gavin is his name.
but i see pass the blog posts.
pass the words he used,
i see a star shinning for Jesus.
i see a heart so burning for God.
and i am proud of him. i am envious of him.
with such great aspirations.
and such burning desires for God.
you will find great favour in God.
and you will grow to become a real Man.
now,
you dream big and you will achieve.
as long as you put your faith in Christ Jesus.
and you walk your path next to Him.
renew your soul everyday with prayer and the Word of God.
and you will live the destiny He planned for you.
Monday, December 22, 2008
appreciated?
and again i scream into my own ears.
this time louder than the one before
yet, the impact wasnt that as hard.
looks like i was getting immuned.
i know i must not be normal.
just the average and just what everyone else do.
i know i play the angel. the super friend. the nice guy.
whatever you call me.
im not supposed to make enemies.
not supposed to hate, to judge.
i have to love everyone and befriend anyone.
even the outcasted, even the hated.
and im not supposed to make mistakes.
because every single one, every minute one.
weighs a crushing tonne on my shoulders.
and should i break a single twig,
the whole crowd will not hesitate to express their contempt.
shake their heads in disapproval
and judge me.
because i am super good guy.
bacause i cannot fall.
cannot do wrong.
they say they are disappointed in me.
each step i take,
so careful, so defined.
i walk the thread and live in fear of slipping.
what is expected of me.
because i am the super nice friend.
now, it sounds so tough to be me eh.
but yet i feel a joy in my heart.
because i live a life, seeing the sliver lining in every cloud.
and i ignore the dark looming sides of them.
because i know what i do is right.
because i know He'll be proud of me.
and i cannot just be like anyone.
i cannot just do things that others do.
it is sort of an inbuilt in me
to be nice.
many a times i see people judge others.
but i cannot judge even those who judge others.
people ask me why i do this.
because i am born to be like this.
hard it is.
it is....
and now i slipped.
i fell.
my legs got tired and weakened.
i tried to stand. to maintain my balance...
but i fall yet again.
and the second time?
i just let myself fall.
it just feels so relieving.
not bounded anymore by this burden to be a superman.
i know the fall will not be a light one.
and yes, it was hard. so hard.
and i lay on the floor, so painful.
oh, i am bleeding.
but no one will see this.
they see me as a superman.
ever the super nice guy.
how could he ever be hurt?
he will climb back up again, like always.
and i stare up into the sky.
i see the thread i used to balance on all my life.
there were good times and bad times.
happy times, disappointing times and sad times.
were all of it worthed?
did it really pleased Him?
i know i could climb back up again if i wanted.
i did it before and no doubt i could do it again.
revert back everything if i wanted to.
i really could.
but now, i hesitate.
do i really want it?
this time louder than the one before
yet, the impact wasnt that as hard.
looks like i was getting immuned.
i know i must not be normal.
just the average and just what everyone else do.
i know i play the angel. the super friend. the nice guy.
whatever you call me.
im not supposed to make enemies.
not supposed to hate, to judge.
i have to love everyone and befriend anyone.
even the outcasted, even the hated.
and im not supposed to make mistakes.
because every single one, every minute one.
weighs a crushing tonne on my shoulders.
and should i break a single twig,
the whole crowd will not hesitate to express their contempt.
shake their heads in disapproval
and judge me.
because i am super good guy.
bacause i cannot fall.
cannot do wrong.
they say they are disappointed in me.
each step i take,
so careful, so defined.
i walk the thread and live in fear of slipping.
what is expected of me.
because i am the super nice friend.
now, it sounds so tough to be me eh.
but yet i feel a joy in my heart.
because i live a life, seeing the sliver lining in every cloud.
and i ignore the dark looming sides of them.
because i know what i do is right.
because i know He'll be proud of me.
and i cannot just be like anyone.
i cannot just do things that others do.
it is sort of an inbuilt in me
to be nice.
many a times i see people judge others.
but i cannot judge even those who judge others.
people ask me why i do this.
because i am born to be like this.
hard it is.
it is....
and now i slipped.
i fell.
my legs got tired and weakened.
i tried to stand. to maintain my balance...
but i fall yet again.
and the second time?
i just let myself fall.
it just feels so relieving.
not bounded anymore by this burden to be a superman.
i know the fall will not be a light one.
and yes, it was hard. so hard.
and i lay on the floor, so painful.
oh, i am bleeding.
but no one will see this.
they see me as a superman.
ever the super nice guy.
how could he ever be hurt?
he will climb back up again, like always.
and i stare up into the sky.
i see the thread i used to balance on all my life.
there were good times and bad times.
happy times, disappointing times and sad times.
were all of it worthed?
did it really pleased Him?
i know i could climb back up again if i wanted.
i did it before and no doubt i could do it again.
revert back everything if i wanted to.
i really could.
but now, i hesitate.
do i really want it?
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
left outside alone
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairy tale my way
Believing in a fantasy widthout meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
Left broken empty in despair
Wanna breath can't find air
Thought you were sent from up above
But you and me never had love
So much more I have to say
Help me find a way
And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone
I'll tell you
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Believing in a fantasy widthout meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
I need to pray
Why do you play me like a game?
Always someone else to blame
Careless, helpless little man
Someday you might understand
There's not much more to say
But I hope you find a way
Still I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone
I'll tell you
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Believing in a fantasy widthout meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
I need to pray
Heavenly father please save me.
And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Believing in a fantasy widthout meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
I need to pray
For you to bring a fairy tale my way
Believing in a fantasy widthout meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
Left broken empty in despair
Wanna breath can't find air
Thought you were sent from up above
But you and me never had love
So much more I have to say
Help me find a way
And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone
I'll tell you
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Believing in a fantasy widthout meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
I need to pray
Why do you play me like a game?
Always someone else to blame
Careless, helpless little man
Someday you might understand
There's not much more to say
But I hope you find a way
Still I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone
I'll tell you
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Believing in a fantasy widthout meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
I need to pray
Heavenly father please save me.
And I wonder if you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
When it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
Just how it feels
To be left outside alone
To be left outside alone
All my life I've been waiting
For you to bring a fairytale my way
Believing in a fantasy widthout meaning
It's not okay I don't feel safe
I need to pray
please come home, baby.
note:that whistle note around 0:53 does not belong to Mariah, but to someone called Debelah Morgan. Mariah's whistle is far better haha.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Buy it on DVD now, here: http://www.adventuresinshortfilm.com/
Director: Marc Craste / UK / 2003
BAFTA winner Jo Jo in the Stars is a story of love, self-sacrifice, and jealousy played out against a black and white world that is both nightmarish and hauntingly beautiful. This film plays out the heart-wrenching tale of two unlikely lovers: Jo Jo, a silver-plated trapeze artist, and the nameless hero who worships her.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Demented
Because you stripped me naked and threw me out in the open.
Because i deserved it didn't i?
Because you wanted to see me all alone, helpless and naked.
Shivering in the cold winter and drowned in their many many words of disgust and scorn.
Because i am supposed to do it all by myself.
Because you don't know how vulnerable i feel
You don't know my struggles, my pain.
Because you don't know me.
All you care was you.
Because i prayed for you.
Because i wanted you well.
Thank God you're much alive and healthy now.
So now its your turn to stab me a couple of times.
You just have to find someone to kill don't you?
Alright then.
My thoughts stopped flowing.
My heart aching.
My light fading.
My hope dying.
And i cant pen this further.
Where is my healing?
Because i deserved it didn't i?
Because you wanted to see me all alone, helpless and naked.
Shivering in the cold winter and drowned in their many many words of disgust and scorn.
Because i am supposed to do it all by myself.
Because you don't know how vulnerable i feel
You don't know my struggles, my pain.
Because you don't know me.
All you care was you.
Because i prayed for you.
Because i wanted you well.
Thank God you're much alive and healthy now.
So now its your turn to stab me a couple of times.
You just have to find someone to kill don't you?
Alright then.
My thoughts stopped flowing.
My heart aching.
My light fading.
My hope dying.
And i cant pen this further.
Where is my healing?
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Taylor Swift - Change
This as the theme song for the USA Olympic team for this year's Bejing Olympics.
also check her her FEARLESS album man=)Its amazing=))) ok no. SHE'S amazing=)
Monday, October 20, 2008
cheer up babe
yeah and dont worry she's not my girl.
but yeah cheer up=)
even though youre always saying how ugly,
how unglam,
how stupid,
how silly,
how ego,
how thick skin,
how narcisstic,
how crazy,
but you're loved babe, cheer up!=D
being tagged...
okae i just remb that gab tagged me on his blog to put this on my blog or something... hmm ok so here it goes/
Pick your birth month.
→ Change the font to red for anything that doesn't apply to you.
→ Bold the five that best apply to you.
→ Copy to your blog, livejournal, xanga, wordpress.
→ Tag 5 people from your friends list.
JANUARY:Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.
FEBRUARY:Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
MARCH:Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
APRIL:Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.
MAY:Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
JUNE:Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.
JULY:Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt and takes long to recover.
AUGUST:Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.
SEPTEMBER:Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
OCTOBER:Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
DECEMBER:Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to Socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
Please do not ask me why there isn't November on the list.
and i tag errrr WonderBabe (although there's no Nov HAHAH), AUDUIE!!thewatermelon, and KENGMENG(if you think its stupid its fine, dont do it=))
Have "fun".
and apparantly i cant read instructions... hahaha
Pick your birth month.
→ Change the font to red for anything that doesn't apply to you.
→ Bold the five that best apply to you.
→ Copy to your blog, livejournal, xanga, wordpress.
→ Tag 5 people from your friends list.
JANUARY:Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.
FEBRUARY:Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
MARCH:Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.
APRIL:Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.
MAY:Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.
JUNE:Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.
JULY:Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt and takes long to recover.
AUGUST:Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.
SEPTEMBER:Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.
OCTOBER:Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.
DECEMBER:Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to Socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
Please do not ask me why there isn't November on the list.
and i tag errrr WonderBabe (although there's no Nov HAHAH), AUDUIE!!thewatermelon, and KENGMENG(if you think its stupid its fine, dont do it=))
Have "fun".
and apparantly i cant read instructions... hahaha
a sliver lining
now my dear, dont take your eyes away.dont take time to wipe the sweat off your face, lest you miss it!
dont listen to anyone else now and hush...
count the beats of your heart. let your adrenaline fade away.
calm your soul down, we need to get ready.
watch as the lights do their magic,
as they dance through the waters.
now, this place is not as bad as you thought it was, isnt it?
now just all of blood and sweat.
all of disappointment and anguish.
all of pride and winners.
look at this. now you know.
you just have to wait! be patient and not bothered by others.
turn back and take a look again.
there's a beauty in everything, you just have to wait... and look again.
to see things in a different light.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
This is my wish
to all that have been through everything with me, my jc life.
thank God for all of you.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Light On. David Cook
Finally! The highly anticipated and long awaited Single from David Cook, American Idol Season 7 Winner! This is months after the release of D.Archuleta's release of his first single, Crush. YAY!
Light On is produced by produced by Grammy winning producer Rob Cavallo.
It is said that he will release his album on 18 Nov. isnt that... right after A lvls?o.0 hahhahmmmm http://www.zshare.net/audio/1929251614212219/
And i must say this is sooo his style haha. its good really.
LIGHT ON
Never really said too much
Afraid it wouldn't be enough
Just try to keep my spirits up
When there's no point in grieving
Doesn't matter anyway
Words could never make me stay
Words will never take my place
When you know I'm leaving
__________
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A nake light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone
__________
You know we've been down that road
What seems a thousand times before
My back to a closing door and my eyes to the seasons
That roll out underneath my heels
And you don't know how bad it feels
To leave the only one that I have ever believed in
__________
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A nake light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone
__________
Sometimes it feels like we've run out of luck
When the signal keeps on breaking up
When the wires cross in my brain
You'll start my heart again
When I come along
__________
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A nake light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone
Just A Dream. Carrie Underwood
It was two weeks after the day she turned 18
all dressed in white, going to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat,
six pence in her shoe
something borrowed something new
and when the church doors opened up wide she put her veil down trying to hide the tears oh
she just couldn’t believe it
she heard the trumpets from the military band and the flowers fell out of her hands
Chorus
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard
then they handed her a folded up flag and
she held on to all she had left of him oh and what could’ve been
and then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart
Chorus
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
Ohh i'll never know
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
Oh this is just a dream
just a dream, ya
all dressed in white, going to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat,
six pence in her shoe
something borrowed something new
and when the church doors opened up wide she put her veil down trying to hide the tears oh
she just couldn’t believe it
she heard the trumpets from the military band and the flowers fell out of her hands
Chorus
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I cant even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
lord please lift his soul and heal this hurt
then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard
then they handed her a folded up flag and
she held on to all she had left of him oh and what could’ve been
and then guns rang one last shot and it felt like a bullet in her heart
Chorus
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
Baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
Ohh i'll never know
It's like I'm, looking from a distance, standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now,
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream
Oh this is just a dream
just a dream, ya
Saturday, September 27, 2008
the sea is a healer
The sea is a healer.
It washes away my footsteps. Washes away my past.
As i stare into the black waters. Music. The gushing of the waves against my feet.
The ever crumpling soft sand felt the intrusion of my weight.
So conforming. Just like me.
Yet the current keeps coming. And moulds it back to shape. Somehow, the chilling night sea breeze. Felt the pores on my skin. Unravels the true me.
The air reaches deep behind that face.
Behind these eyes within. And gently reaches into the vulnerable me.
Suddenly it seems so easy to breathe...
I'm not suffocating anymore.
My feet played the mysterious soil below and danced lightly. So beautiful, the sinking feeling. It just melts my soul, this beautiful creation and interweaving of all peace.
Beyond the end waves lies blindly black water. Yet this time, black is not ugly anymore.
So addictive, so appealing and inviting. Take another step forward.
My shorts are wet now. But something in me tells me it doesn't matter anymore. I want to go deeper. Into freedom.
Not enslaved by the needs of this world and the likes of the future. This is sin.
Another step forward.
Now the water feels warmer. And it gets darker. Soothing tunes melt into my soul. So enchanting so tempting.
Unintended peace planted in my heart. I sniffed in. Closed my eyes. Took an unsteady step forward.
No.
A shiver came down. Like sent from heaven. It jolted me awake. But i wanted to sleep into this lovely waters.
It got colder again. And my eyes felt dry now, not moist like before. I'm part of this.
This lovely dark scene.
Its my possession now. Mine.
And i belong here. Not anywhere else. Not that ugly filthy place.
I stared down the dim vast plain, stretching across and stars. There. Out there.
Could i fly there and kiss the angels?
My existence is not restrained by years now. I'll be here for eternity. Unafraid finally. I can wander like the breeze i so envied.
No. No! Suddenly i gravitate back here. Visions of heaven morphed into voidness.
I'm in this chamber of foolish dreams.
In this pursuit of noth.
I peered down my own feel. Why? Why is it that while i so yearn to belong out there, the waves seems to try time and time again to climb to earth. Forcefully trying to reach higher.
How foolish, i said. And i walked away.
An urgent human need to use the restroom.
And as i walked back, i see this beautiful scene.
This young girl and her mother dancing together. Glowing slightly under the moonlight. They were blowing bubbles.
And as i stand in the direction of the wind, metres away from this exquisite form of painting, the wind throws the hundred of bubbles into a ballad.
Glittering in rainbows, swirling as the moving air, into me. All around me, racing each other in this performance. For me.
Just for me.
Its gorgeous. Beyond word description. And the bubbles. Jewels of air kept flowing.
Pretty. Phenomenal.
So this is why even the waters wanted here. Just to see this angelic pretty little lifeform and her blessed art of heaven.
It washes away my footsteps. Washes away my past.
As i stare into the black waters. Music. The gushing of the waves against my feet.
The ever crumpling soft sand felt the intrusion of my weight.
So conforming. Just like me.
Yet the current keeps coming. And moulds it back to shape. Somehow, the chilling night sea breeze. Felt the pores on my skin. Unravels the true me.
The air reaches deep behind that face.
Behind these eyes within. And gently reaches into the vulnerable me.
Suddenly it seems so easy to breathe...
I'm not suffocating anymore.
My feet played the mysterious soil below and danced lightly. So beautiful, the sinking feeling. It just melts my soul, this beautiful creation and interweaving of all peace.
Beyond the end waves lies blindly black water. Yet this time, black is not ugly anymore.
So addictive, so appealing and inviting. Take another step forward.
My shorts are wet now. But something in me tells me it doesn't matter anymore. I want to go deeper. Into freedom.
Not enslaved by the needs of this world and the likes of the future. This is sin.
Another step forward.
Now the water feels warmer. And it gets darker. Soothing tunes melt into my soul. So enchanting so tempting.
Unintended peace planted in my heart. I sniffed in. Closed my eyes. Took an unsteady step forward.
No.
A shiver came down. Like sent from heaven. It jolted me awake. But i wanted to sleep into this lovely waters.
It got colder again. And my eyes felt dry now, not moist like before. I'm part of this.
This lovely dark scene.
Its my possession now. Mine.
And i belong here. Not anywhere else. Not that ugly filthy place.
I stared down the dim vast plain, stretching across and stars. There. Out there.
Could i fly there and kiss the angels?
My existence is not restrained by years now. I'll be here for eternity. Unafraid finally. I can wander like the breeze i so envied.
No. No! Suddenly i gravitate back here. Visions of heaven morphed into voidness.
I'm in this chamber of foolish dreams.
In this pursuit of noth.
I peered down my own feel. Why? Why is it that while i so yearn to belong out there, the waves seems to try time and time again to climb to earth. Forcefully trying to reach higher.
How foolish, i said. And i walked away.
An urgent human need to use the restroom.
And as i walked back, i see this beautiful scene.
This young girl and her mother dancing together. Glowing slightly under the moonlight. They were blowing bubbles.
And as i stand in the direction of the wind, metres away from this exquisite form of painting, the wind throws the hundred of bubbles into a ballad.
Glittering in rainbows, swirling as the moving air, into me. All around me, racing each other in this performance. For me.
Just for me.
Its gorgeous. Beyond word description. And the bubbles. Jewels of air kept flowing.
Pretty. Phenomenal.
So this is why even the waters wanted here. Just to see this angelic pretty little lifeform and her blessed art of heaven.
the drossy audiophile
say. my ears hurt from vociferous shit-like noise cranking from some mass-produced shabby nokia earphones.
my pampered drums scream with indignant and cry in protest.
i am getting abrasions from cents-worth ear buds.
i'd rather not listen to the so-called music these replacements actually produced.
its noise. its downright, blatant hissing.
ok, its not all that bad. i just needed to rant.
should i thrift again?
im eyeing that Sennheiser PX-100 or Koss Porta Pro.
or some iems? crossroads are popular. and vaunted for their highly acclaimed sound quality. yet lost again half their score with cheap built. damn.
70 bucks to 85 bucks.
save save save.
my pampered drums scream with indignant and cry in protest.
i am getting abrasions from cents-worth ear buds.
i'd rather not listen to the so-called music these replacements actually produced.
its noise. its downright, blatant hissing.
ok, its not all that bad. i just needed to rant.
should i thrift again?
im eyeing that Sennheiser PX-100 or Koss Porta Pro.
or some iems? crossroads are popular. and vaunted for their highly acclaimed sound quality. yet lost again half their score with cheap built. damn.
70 bucks to 85 bucks.
save save save.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Through the waves.
Nothing's going right now.
Everything is just wrong, or not good enough.
Its a bad week. A bad interval.
I need You to put things right.
I want to place it all in Your arms.
You take them all away.
Sounds too good to be true eh?
Sometimes i doubt it too.
But i can never doubt His unfailing love.
It is too good to be true.
And i know, nothing can go too wrong for Him to make right.
Please Lord. And i pray too for peifen, cheryl and those in this tide too. Be with us and uphold us in this time of our need.
Carry us in your loving arms and sail us through the storm.
I pray with desperation, love, hope and faith.
Everything is just wrong, or not good enough.
Its a bad week. A bad interval.
I need You to put things right.
I want to place it all in Your arms.
You take them all away.
Sounds too good to be true eh?
Sometimes i doubt it too.
But i can never doubt His unfailing love.
It is too good to be true.
And i know, nothing can go too wrong for Him to make right.
Please Lord. And i pray too for peifen, cheryl and those in this tide too. Be with us and uphold us in this time of our need.
Carry us in your loving arms and sail us through the storm.
I pray with desperation, love, hope and faith.
Monday, September 22, 2008
how is it like to have lost someone?
really?
if that someone, is someone you really really loved.
if that someone was not meant to be taken away from you.
if you'll never get to see him/her again?
and there is just so much, so many things left behind that remind you of her presence?
and you just cannot let go, not matter how hard you tried.
it burns a hole in your heart doesnt it.
it never heals would it?
nothing could ever mend it.
its burns and burns
sucks out all that's worth
cruelly and continuously stabs you.
until theres nothing left but nothing.
until you cannot feel yourself anymore.
because without her, there's nothing left.
because she was your everything.
the anesthetics kick in.
voidness floods your heart and soul.
tears dont fall anymore, and you blame yourself for it.
throat's totally dry and it would have felt weird to speak.
that stinging feeling in your eyes,
questions, thoughts,
doubts, denial,
your whole world has been sucked out completely.
leaving you an empty shell to end with.
if that someone, is someone you really really loved.
if that someone was not meant to be taken away from you.
if you'll never get to see him/her again?
and there is just so much, so many things left behind that remind you of her presence?
and you just cannot let go, not matter how hard you tried.
it burns a hole in your heart doesnt it.
it never heals would it?
nothing could ever mend it.
its burns and burns
sucks out all that's worth
cruelly and continuously stabs you.
until theres nothing left but nothing.
until you cannot feel yourself anymore.
because without her, there's nothing left.
because she was your everything.
the anesthetics kick in.
voidness floods your heart and soul.
tears dont fall anymore, and you blame yourself for it.
throat's totally dry and it would have felt weird to speak.
that stinging feeling in your eyes,
questions, thoughts,
doubts, denial,
your whole world has been sucked out completely.
leaving you an empty shell to end with.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
beyond earthly spirits.
well, amid all stress and frustration, worries and anguish.
i found true love.
now, dont get all excited and sparked.
its probably not what you think.
i guess its probably a year ago since then, but still.
i just found it. or probably, i just realised how precious was it.
that i was probably too blinded (by tears?) to really appreciate it.
like me, my sis is probably one emotional ship(wrecked?)
no she isnt. i probably am.
i never seen the inner her, or probably took that side of her too seriously till this fine day.
maybe ive peeked once or twice at her diary (oops), but i never did fully understood her thoughts, her feelings. her heart.
so small, so hidden.
yet so huge, so deep, so delicate.
even scary.
we both shared the same traits.
this phobia of expressing. of pouring. of tearing.
of sharing, of trusting.
like me, we both had no one else. but we had each other.
and we just didnt know it.
both lones. i know how she feels.
so suffocating.
so hurt.
yet somehow, we were born with our lips sewn.
yet again, blessed with these fingers.
we down our thoughts and feelings into writings.
so alike,
but i am luckier.
i experienced trust before.
a special person unlocked a lock in my heart.
left it open.
it was easier for me, revealing hints of sorrow sometimes outwardly.
yet for her.
a facade of happy-go-lucky, laughters.
whilst i know, behind that veil.
lies a broken soul. just like me.
and she loves me.
so much i didnt know till just.
hidden so rooted in her heart.
she hardly expressed it.
secrets. tears. she would so willingly spare for me.
we would share a vein.
when i bleed, she knows.
she feels it. she bleeds too.
her blog.
Sunday, August 19, 2007.
God willed, you shall find and read it.
a post. i read it once and i'll love her for a lifetime.
i would have sworn if i could.
this post will most likely mean little to you.
its between me and my sis.
it means a whole world to me.
when one day, when i know theres nothing on earth left for me to be, left to hold on to.
left to love. left to believe it.
i will always protect you, love you, cry with you.
i'll be your superman.
i found true love.
now, dont get all excited and sparked.
its probably not what you think.
i guess its probably a year ago since then, but still.
i just found it. or probably, i just realised how precious was it.
that i was probably too blinded (by tears?) to really appreciate it.
like me, my sis is probably one emotional ship(wrecked?)
no she isnt. i probably am.
i never seen the inner her, or probably took that side of her too seriously till this fine day.
maybe ive peeked once or twice at her diary (oops), but i never did fully understood her thoughts, her feelings. her heart.
so small, so hidden.
yet so huge, so deep, so delicate.
even scary.
we both shared the same traits.
this phobia of expressing. of pouring. of tearing.
of sharing, of trusting.
like me, we both had no one else. but we had each other.
and we just didnt know it.
both lones. i know how she feels.
so suffocating.
so hurt.
yet somehow, we were born with our lips sewn.
yet again, blessed with these fingers.
we down our thoughts and feelings into writings.
so alike,
but i am luckier.
i experienced trust before.
a special person unlocked a lock in my heart.
left it open.
it was easier for me, revealing hints of sorrow sometimes outwardly.
yet for her.
a facade of happy-go-lucky, laughters.
whilst i know, behind that veil.
lies a broken soul. just like me.
and she loves me.
so much i didnt know till just.
hidden so rooted in her heart.
she hardly expressed it.
secrets. tears. she would so willingly spare for me.
we would share a vein.
when i bleed, she knows.
she feels it. she bleeds too.
her blog.
Sunday, August 19, 2007.
God willed, you shall find and read it.
a post. i read it once and i'll love her for a lifetime.
i would have sworn if i could.
this post will most likely mean little to you.
its between me and my sis.
it means a whole world to me.
when one day, when i know theres nothing on earth left for me to be, left to hold on to.
left to love. left to believe it.
i will always protect you, love you, cry with you.
i'll be your superman.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Maybe something could happen that can never unhappen.
That scares you, doesn't it?
But you need to think about now.
Really take it in!
Look at you: you think you've got it so damn hard.
Well, you hate being alone, so let people in!
Sure, you may not answer the phone,
but I don't see you throwing it away, either!
--Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
That scares you, doesn't it?
But you need to think about now.
Really take it in!
Look at you: you think you've got it so damn hard.
Well, you hate being alone, so let people in!
Sure, you may not answer the phone,
but I don't see you throwing it away, either!
--Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Monday, September 01, 2008
comfort food
Jesus is all this poor world needs today;
Blindly they strive, for sin darkens their way.
O to draw back the grim curtains of night
—One glimpse of Jesus and all will be bright! —
Loes© Renewal 1943
Blindly they strive, for sin darkens their way.
O to draw back the grim curtains of night
—One glimpse of Jesus and all will be bright! —
Loes© Renewal 1943
Monday, August 18, 2008
snakes and ladders
i really want to pen down those powerful messages that ive been receiving from the FOP, Pastor How. Powerful i must say, truely touched my soul and even enlightening. i learnt, but have i grown?
1:48am in the wee. and i still have school tmr (sigh). counting down 72? days to a levels. i really should be studying... or at the least away in dreamland! but... i had this sudden urge to blog...
about? i dunno. i guess i just type as my heart/mind (or maybe fingers) take me.
i must admit i might as well have been wasting time away. especially weekends. when there isnt this burning urge to ground my mind back into the books. now when training have ceased and i feel that i have more time in my hands (which isnt true). lack of discipline. take for ytd, a 3 hour paper in the morning is indeed a good start, if not for a 2 hour nap in the afternoon which totally ruined everything. then i decided to study. well, i did a rather inefficient correction of the whole maths paper 1 again when my body started iching me for a run. right, i skip the details but yeah. a whole day, with only a paper completed. darn.
sunday was worst. dont ask.
i needa study. harder. well, i'll get a copy of yanyu's timetable tmr and finally (i hope), a strict academic regimen. foooccusssss....
okok ive digressed from my heartfelt desire to blog. about my personal walk with God.
2am already. yeah this is the time when everything peaced out and darkness and the still life sets in. suddenly the heart beats sounds ever prominent than ever eh? o the whispers.
thoughts and reflections pours in now. and i feel more uneasy than ever, how could i explain this feeling?
when i stare into the darkness outside my open window, its like... the darkness is creeping closer. engaging me, integrating me. the night chilling breeze on my skin. adsorbing the creepiness of the shiverish.
how could anyone see the weight of my heart inside? this load im carrying, burdened down and heavy.... bringing me lower...
i know He sees it, He feels it... and He wants to bear it for me.
here i am with a bleeding heart.
a confused, sin-riddened, wounded soul,
His love so amazing divine.
yet something is pulling me back when i reach out to Him...
something telling me
reminding me of my past.
my past.
"how ugly"
"how dirty"
"disgusting"
abhoring....
and i cry because i know.
how Glorified and Almighty He is.
is forgiving this hurted soul.
suffered the malevolence of his own.
but i will always be so unworthy.
and always scorn upon by myself
everytime i fall.
because it's everytime.
it happens everytime.
and i keep losing.
and i cry to You o Lord of love...
to depart from me.
because i keep hurting me,
You.
because i am beyond any hope.
because i cant be loved.
i love you...
my spirit do.
vulnerable.
nothing but bringing shame to you.
ironically today's message was about self leadership.
self controlling emotions.
i have overwhelming emotions.
how could i ignore all these
because of the Cross?
because of His Blood
can i not feel this way?
treasure your salvation my brothers and sisters.
does it come easy to you?
could you even feel the excruciating pain Jesus went through to nail Himself on the Cross?
to be disowned... and spat upon! by people he was trying to save...
by his loved ones...
the painful hurting thoughts that ran through his mind...
he was man.
he bled. he was whipped. he was speared!
but those did not hurt him more than the sins he was bearing for all of us....
those did not hurt him more than the anguish when he saw his people, his loved ones hating him...
when i sinned.
but i know. that he had joy in his heart.
for he knew he loved us. and he knew God loves him.
where am i?
i seek your face but i looked away.
i loved your love but
i deny myself your love.
guide me Abba Father.
teach me and lead me.
love me and forgive me.
save me and protect me.
be patient with me daddy.
i will glorify your name one day.
when with you, i finally overcome.
amen.
1:48am in the wee. and i still have school tmr (sigh). counting down 72? days to a levels. i really should be studying... or at the least away in dreamland! but... i had this sudden urge to blog...
about? i dunno. i guess i just type as my heart/mind (or maybe fingers) take me.
i must admit i might as well have been wasting time away. especially weekends. when there isnt this burning urge to ground my mind back into the books. now when training have ceased and i feel that i have more time in my hands (which isnt true). lack of discipline. take for ytd, a 3 hour paper in the morning is indeed a good start, if not for a 2 hour nap in the afternoon which totally ruined everything. then i decided to study. well, i did a rather inefficient correction of the whole maths paper 1 again when my body started iching me for a run. right, i skip the details but yeah. a whole day, with only a paper completed. darn.
sunday was worst. dont ask.
i needa study. harder. well, i'll get a copy of yanyu's timetable tmr and finally (i hope), a strict academic regimen. foooccusssss....
okok ive digressed from my heartfelt desire to blog. about my personal walk with God.
2am already. yeah this is the time when everything peaced out and darkness and the still life sets in. suddenly the heart beats sounds ever prominent than ever eh? o the whispers.
thoughts and reflections pours in now. and i feel more uneasy than ever, how could i explain this feeling?
when i stare into the darkness outside my open window, its like... the darkness is creeping closer. engaging me, integrating me. the night chilling breeze on my skin. adsorbing the creepiness of the shiverish.
how could anyone see the weight of my heart inside? this load im carrying, burdened down and heavy.... bringing me lower...
i know He sees it, He feels it... and He wants to bear it for me.
here i am with a bleeding heart.
a confused, sin-riddened, wounded soul,
His love so amazing divine.
yet something is pulling me back when i reach out to Him...
something telling me
reminding me of my past.
my past.
"how ugly"
"how dirty"
"disgusting"
abhoring....
and i cry because i know.
how Glorified and Almighty He is.
is forgiving this hurted soul.
suffered the malevolence of his own.
but i will always be so unworthy.
and always scorn upon by myself
everytime i fall.
because it's everytime.
it happens everytime.
and i keep losing.
and i cry to You o Lord of love...
to depart from me.
because i keep hurting me,
You.
because i am beyond any hope.
because i cant be loved.
i love you...
my spirit do.
vulnerable.
nothing but bringing shame to you.
ironically today's message was about self leadership.
self controlling emotions.
i have overwhelming emotions.
how could i ignore all these
because of the Cross?
because of His Blood
can i not feel this way?
treasure your salvation my brothers and sisters.
does it come easy to you?
could you even feel the excruciating pain Jesus went through to nail Himself on the Cross?
to be disowned... and spat upon! by people he was trying to save...
by his loved ones...
the painful hurting thoughts that ran through his mind...
he was man.
he bled. he was whipped. he was speared!
but those did not hurt him more than the sins he was bearing for all of us....
those did not hurt him more than the anguish when he saw his people, his loved ones hating him...
when i sinned.
but i know. that he had joy in his heart.
for he knew he loved us. and he knew God loves him.
where am i?
i seek your face but i looked away.
i loved your love but
i deny myself your love.
guide me Abba Father.
teach me and lead me.
love me and forgive me.
save me and protect me.
be patient with me daddy.
i will glorify your name one day.
when with you, i finally overcome.
amen.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Saturday, August 09, 2008
love flame
i know i just feel so helpless...
i know that i have nothing else, but God.
i know that i am filled, even though i only have Him.
because He is everything.
but, sometimes...
i cry.
i have the ultimate Savior.
the ultimate Lover...
but i still cry.
about things, i cannot speak about...
or at least,
i want to but i cannot.
because people are judgmental.
of all these, only 3 will remain.
hope, faith, love.
and the greatest of these is Love.
who can i talk to about...
so what if
im so stuffed and bleeding inside...
and so scared.
im shivering in the cold,
drenched in the rain
inside me...
theres this candle i hold..
gripped tightly between my fingers.
undaunted by the wind and rain...
keeping me warm.
i pray to this flame, to keep me safe.
that everything will be alright soon.
that all these pain im suffering... is just temporary.
the flame let me cry on it...
scream my heart out on it...
find comfort in it.
keep me warm.
but
but...
the flame has other plans....
its not taking away my pain... torture
anguish.
i find priority in my life,
A levels.
to take my eyes of the pain.
to know that this exam is more important...
even as im writing this,
there is so much i want to say.
and things that are taking place even now...
that bring the tears that's whelming up in my eyes.
and i down into loud asounding tunes
so i wont hear them.
lest i cannot control myself anymore....
yet i try to share my sorrows on this blog.
but with myself.
and yet there's so much i cannot say....
and i can only pray.
O for a love that knows no end,A love that is strong and pure,Reaching afar to both foe and friend,So deep it will always endure. —R. De Haan
Love enables us to walk fearlessly, to run confidently, and to live victoriously.
i know that i have nothing else, but God.
i know that i am filled, even though i only have Him.
because He is everything.
but, sometimes...
i cry.
i have the ultimate Savior.
the ultimate Lover...
but i still cry.
about things, i cannot speak about...
or at least,
i want to but i cannot.
because people are judgmental.
of all these, only 3 will remain.
hope, faith, love.
and the greatest of these is Love.
who can i talk to about...
so what if
im so stuffed and bleeding inside...
and so scared.
im shivering in the cold,
drenched in the rain
inside me...
theres this candle i hold..
gripped tightly between my fingers.
undaunted by the wind and rain...
keeping me warm.
i pray to this flame, to keep me safe.
that everything will be alright soon.
that all these pain im suffering... is just temporary.
the flame let me cry on it...
scream my heart out on it...
find comfort in it.
keep me warm.
but
but...
the flame has other plans....
its not taking away my pain... torture
anguish.
i find priority in my life,
A levels.
to take my eyes of the pain.
to know that this exam is more important...
even as im writing this,
there is so much i want to say.
and things that are taking place even now...
that bring the tears that's whelming up in my eyes.
and i down into loud asounding tunes
so i wont hear them.
lest i cannot control myself anymore....
yet i try to share my sorrows on this blog.
but with myself.
and yet there's so much i cannot say....
and i can only pray.
O for a love that knows no end,A love that is strong and pure,Reaching afar to both foe and friend,So deep it will always endure. —R. De Haan
Love enables us to walk fearlessly, to run confidently, and to live victoriously.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
fingerprints
living it. =)
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
shit
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
do i sound like a gay partner to u?
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
lol.
My Generation says:
ahahhahahhahs
My Generation says:
no worries i have lots of gay partners=)
My Generation says:
hyou could be one of them
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
yea man
My Generation says:
lol
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
u do
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
i dun wan to
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
but actually
My Generation says:
LOL!
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
no target at the moment la
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
so still can
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
im still available
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
u want?
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
lol
My Generation says:
AHAHAHHAHAHA
My Generation says:
you bet man
hmmmmmm=.=
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
shit
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
do i sound like a gay partner to u?
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
lol.
My Generation says:
ahahhahahhahs
My Generation says:
no worries i have lots of gay partners=)
My Generation says:
hyou could be one of them
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
yea man
My Generation says:
lol
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
u do
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
i dun wan to
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
but actually
My Generation says:
LOL!
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
no target at the moment la
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
so still can
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
im still available
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
u want?
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
lol
My Generation says:
AHAHAHHAHAHA
My Generation says:
you bet man
hmmmmmm=.=
Sunday, August 03, 2008
For the Cause.
i went for FOP today again. well, i wanted to experienced it all over again. today's message was powerful, invoking and dynamic. 3 nights dedicated to praise and worship. peifen told me that yesterday night was an ovational phenomenon.
the giantic chior (overwhelming the mikes) and the towering chorus of voices.
voices as one body, echoing the whole stadium, rocking the whole place, swaying and shaking the quietness of even the outside night. Singing our lives wholly to God! Surrendering our hearts to God.
i could feel it. the extraordinary majestic presence tingling all around me. i felt like i was lifted!
carried and completed! nothing could be any more awesome than that.
when i close my eyes i can still picture it. seeping through my skin, enveloping my heart and soul. it still lingers. breathtaking. lovers of God all around! everyone on fire for Him! singing! shouting! praying! praising! as One Body of Christ! as the Church of God! as a Family!
Magnificent. Spectacular.
Ok. i wanted to blog about the message but maybe next week. im supposed to bathe and sleep already. mmm the excitment's not down yet. oh wells. starting school again.haiz. jiayou everyone!
lets all face the new week with God together!=)
the giantic chior (overwhelming the mikes) and the towering chorus of voices.
voices as one body, echoing the whole stadium, rocking the whole place, swaying and shaking the quietness of even the outside night. Singing our lives wholly to God! Surrendering our hearts to God.
i could feel it. the extraordinary majestic presence tingling all around me. i felt like i was lifted!
carried and completed! nothing could be any more awesome than that.
when i close my eyes i can still picture it. seeping through my skin, enveloping my heart and soul. it still lingers. breathtaking. lovers of God all around! everyone on fire for Him! singing! shouting! praying! praising! as One Body of Christ! as the Church of God! as a Family!
Magnificent. Spectacular.
Ok. i wanted to blog about the message but maybe next week. im supposed to bathe and sleep already. mmm the excitment's not down yet. oh wells. starting school again.haiz. jiayou everyone!
lets all face the new week with God together!=)
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Awe.
There,
A Thousand Hearts Singing
A Thousand Voices Glorifying
A Thousand Hands Lifted up
A Thousand of Your children on FIRE for You, Lord!
It was earth shattering.
Empowering,
The Holy Spirit was in our presence!
Captivating, filling us with Thy Love.
Brothers and Sisters
Undescribable.
Nonthing was more important and just
SINGING AND PRAISING AND WORSHIPPING AND... AND
we just want to love you back oh Lord...
we just want to give you all the Glory,
our ALL.
We, as a body of the Living Chirst!
how moved, how stoked!
it was EUPHORIA!
the pre-taste of Heaven!
You are the Mighty One True God.
and there is No Other.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Twin
Well, the books probably have gotten to my head. I'm getting a little restless already.
Maybe i'm the kind who gets envious of others easily. Others better than me.
More successful. Better. Or so it seems.
Why couldn't i be like them? Haven't i worked enough? Haven't i? Or am i just destined to be the inferior.
What's up with me today? Not that i've been nonchalent about me being the less. Not that i haven't already realised?
Talk about living-satisfied. Looks like i'm just too human. Competitive. Greedy. Hungry. Hungry.
Always this insatiable hunger. Lust for the more.
Disgusting aint it? Dirty and ugly and condemned.
Abhorred by the good but celebrated by the Nations.
Who doesn't want to be better? To be honest i started writing this after reading about the close friendship that this particular group of boys shared. Well, it wasn't exactly about their brethen bonds but i interpreted it. It was a co-owned blog by the 4 boys.
Didn't i share such brotherhood to? Did i? Had i not belong to such a clique? I could take comfort that i belong to the family of Christ, but i must admit i yearn for brotherly companionship. Someone whom i know is my best friend...
Because i don't have one.... Not anymore, since probably the year before. Who would hear? Who would know? Its just me right? Am i. Unworthy of even this.
Why brother then? What about female counterparts? I beseech myself to avoid whipping of tongues i guess.
Maybe i'm just feeling lonely. Maybe i just wanted to be lonely.
Maybe i'm the kind who gets envious of others easily. Others better than me.
More successful. Better. Or so it seems.
Why couldn't i be like them? Haven't i worked enough? Haven't i? Or am i just destined to be the inferior.
What's up with me today? Not that i've been nonchalent about me being the less. Not that i haven't already realised?
Talk about living-satisfied. Looks like i'm just too human. Competitive. Greedy. Hungry. Hungry.
Always this insatiable hunger. Lust for the more.
Disgusting aint it? Dirty and ugly and condemned.
Abhorred by the good but celebrated by the Nations.
Who doesn't want to be better? To be honest i started writing this after reading about the close friendship that this particular group of boys shared. Well, it wasn't exactly about their brethen bonds but i interpreted it. It was a co-owned blog by the 4 boys.
Didn't i share such brotherhood to? Did i? Had i not belong to such a clique? I could take comfort that i belong to the family of Christ, but i must admit i yearn for brotherly companionship. Someone whom i know is my best friend...
Because i don't have one.... Not anymore, since probably the year before. Who would hear? Who would know? Its just me right? Am i. Unworthy of even this.
Why brother then? What about female counterparts? I beseech myself to avoid whipping of tongues i guess.
Maybe i'm just feeling lonely. Maybe i just wanted to be lonely.
Friday, July 18, 2008
throat ulcer
everything gone wrong.
I've been so busy and tired i know i had neglected you Lord...
I know my life have been upside down and so so wrong without You here to lead and guide me Lord. To protect and help me... I'm sorry i've been too caught up with everything.
Now plagued with problems and illness and every bad thing. I realised Your absence in my life...
Maybe things would not have been so bad and upset with You around...
Come back into my life Lord. I need you.
I've been so busy and tired i know i had neglected you Lord...
I know my life have been upside down and so so wrong without You here to lead and guide me Lord. To protect and help me... I'm sorry i've been too caught up with everything.
Now plagued with problems and illness and every bad thing. I realised Your absence in my life...
Maybe things would not have been so bad and upset with You around...
Come back into my life Lord. I need you.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
please.
i was nearly beaten down today. It was just so painful... Hated everything. Deliver me o Lord.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
defeat?
haiz. okae fine... though i managed to get through the heats to the semi finals.
well, i knew i wouldnt be able to stand against the insane speed of the obviously better.
i went on anyway to give my best shot. despite the odds, i was all out to give my best shot. i prayed really hard. i really needed Him to guide me, to console and be with me. probably because i thought maybe He'll perform a miracle? aha.
right. i lost anyway.
no matter, i didnt perform well today. although even if i did i had probably still lost. however, during the heats we broke our personal best, and it was rather good i would say. but the competition was very tough. i just wasnt good enough.
okok i must start organising my thoughts. there are so many things i wanted to say about this competition. i learnt so much. more than ive lost.
firstly, i just want to Glorify my God. that i know, without Him i would have never been able to reach thus far. that i never would have been able to do it on my own.
and so what the defeat! ive gain so much more. ive learn how to trust in Him, how to keep returning into His arms and most of all, realise how much i really needed Him.
i would never be able to do it without you Lord. in fact i cannot live without you.
ok i just got distracted watching this rather interesting story on the television. it was first about this boy whom is too lazy to study and frequently fails his test. but because of the promise he made to his deceased father he studied really hard and score extremely well for his latest test. however.. he's freakingly insensitive and overassuming teacher accused him of cheating and not believing that he did it himself. irritating.. hahas.
ok digressed.
where was i... hmmm
okae most of the other stuffs i learnt aint that important so i wouldnt be bothered to pen it down.
i was awfully impressed by MJC this year. i saw how they drastically improved from their last year's standards. i applaud them really. im touched by their determination to break free from a "mediocre"(winks at audrey/collin/jiajun) school to a deservely much-feared school today.
most of all, thank God for jianrui. im proud of you. again, to God be all the glory youve brought to him. ive seen how hard you pushed yourself to have finally gotten to where you are. and that you have too maintained your faith as you fight on, with God in your heart. Fear not, for He who has created heaven and earth, is stronger than all those opponents you face out there. even those so-called super zhai rowers.=) believe!
and im glad that youre going to be baptized too. finally you are going to take this first step of obedience! ahhaa.
thank God for jianrui. you really made this competition so..so spritual for me. and most probably for you too. ahahas i still remember how both of us were so discouraged and nervous that we embraced each other so tightly and reminding each other of God with us. praise is to be His. i felt really comforted jianrui... although we were in full view of everyone there (it might have looked quite gay?)... thank you again.
well, none of us in nanyang made it to the finals but we'll still be down tmr. to watch, continue learning, and to support (jianrui,mervyn?).lol.
i'll be back. i'll be back. stronger, better, faster. in rowing, in God.
To Lord be ALL the Glory.
well, i knew i wouldnt be able to stand against the insane speed of the obviously better.
i went on anyway to give my best shot. despite the odds, i was all out to give my best shot. i prayed really hard. i really needed Him to guide me, to console and be with me. probably because i thought maybe He'll perform a miracle? aha.
right. i lost anyway.
no matter, i didnt perform well today. although even if i did i had probably still lost. however, during the heats we broke our personal best, and it was rather good i would say. but the competition was very tough. i just wasnt good enough.
okok i must start organising my thoughts. there are so many things i wanted to say about this competition. i learnt so much. more than ive lost.
firstly, i just want to Glorify my God. that i know, without Him i would have never been able to reach thus far. that i never would have been able to do it on my own.
and so what the defeat! ive gain so much more. ive learn how to trust in Him, how to keep returning into His arms and most of all, realise how much i really needed Him.
i would never be able to do it without you Lord. in fact i cannot live without you.
ok i just got distracted watching this rather interesting story on the television. it was first about this boy whom is too lazy to study and frequently fails his test. but because of the promise he made to his deceased father he studied really hard and score extremely well for his latest test. however.. he's freakingly insensitive and overassuming teacher accused him of cheating and not believing that he did it himself. irritating.. hahas.
ok digressed.
where was i... hmmm
okae most of the other stuffs i learnt aint that important so i wouldnt be bothered to pen it down.
i was awfully impressed by MJC this year. i saw how they drastically improved from their last year's standards. i applaud them really. im touched by their determination to break free from a "mediocre"(winks at audrey/collin/jiajun) school to a deservely much-feared school today.
most of all, thank God for jianrui. im proud of you. again, to God be all the glory youve brought to him. ive seen how hard you pushed yourself to have finally gotten to where you are. and that you have too maintained your faith as you fight on, with God in your heart. Fear not, for He who has created heaven and earth, is stronger than all those opponents you face out there. even those so-called super zhai rowers.=) believe!
and im glad that youre going to be baptized too. finally you are going to take this first step of obedience! ahhaa.
thank God for jianrui. you really made this competition so..so spritual for me. and most probably for you too. ahahas i still remember how both of us were so discouraged and nervous that we embraced each other so tightly and reminding each other of God with us. praise is to be His. i felt really comforted jianrui... although we were in full view of everyone there (it might have looked quite gay?)... thank you again.
well, none of us in nanyang made it to the finals but we'll still be down tmr. to watch, continue learning, and to support (jianrui,mervyn?).lol.
i'll be back. i'll be back. stronger, better, faster. in rowing, in God.
To Lord be ALL the Glory.
Monday, July 07, 2008
His Glory.
Ok. So national schools starts tmr. Hmmm... Cannot deny that i'm pretty nervous. Ok not pretty, extremely. Ahahah.
Well i just wanna say before i rest for the night that i'll row for His glory. And not mine to speak of.
That everything. Everything that i have is from and is His.
No matter the result.
If i lose, it'll be for His glory. Be it shining through another brother from the other boat down the lane.
If i win, it is from Him. I would never be able to do it myself.
Thank You oh Lord. For your grace sufficient for me. I shall want no other.
I'm sorry for all i've done. I'm glad i have Jesus.
Help me learn, help me understand.
Well i just wanna say before i rest for the night that i'll row for His glory. And not mine to speak of.
That everything. Everything that i have is from and is His.
No matter the result.
If i lose, it'll be for His glory. Be it shining through another brother from the other boat down the lane.
If i win, it is from Him. I would never be able to do it myself.
Thank You oh Lord. For your grace sufficient for me. I shall want no other.
I'm sorry for all i've done. I'm glad i have Jesus.
Help me learn, help me understand.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Ecclesiastes 3
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.
16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.
17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.
19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.
20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.
21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?
22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?
Friday, July 04, 2008
kindred
i have this sudden urge this morning to pen down some thoughts of my own. i'll just let it indite by itself a form of literacy composition;
let be it by affinity, or a divine arrangement
that a bond forms between 2
and they would call Friendship.
or would they?
for one, it is by being strengthened by this bond,
through the weakening,
that finally 2 can sit back and say
"we aint just strangers. we're friends."
it is said that if 2 only acknowledge animosity
they are enemies.
if 2 find only joy and happiness,
it is fantasy.
unless 2 is able to accept and learn that
there will be shadows when there's light,
bitterness and sweet,
tears of joy; tears of sorrow
smiles to comfort the frown.
that is when true friendship exist.
where is that through roads of bitter thorns
and flames of adversity,
indeed trust, love and togetherness
brings about comfort within our soul.
therefore my friend.
listen to what i have to say,
and treasure the people around you.
amist the riches of the world,
of peace in suffering, joy in pain.
relish your time.
accept this your bond among the 2.
harsh but true.
for what is lost is lost, and what is gained is gained forever.
let be it by affinity, or a divine arrangement
that a bond forms between 2
and they would call Friendship.
or would they?
for one, it is by being strengthened by this bond,
through the weakening,
that finally 2 can sit back and say
"we aint just strangers. we're friends."
it is said that if 2 only acknowledge animosity
they are enemies.
if 2 find only joy and happiness,
it is fantasy.
unless 2 is able to accept and learn that
there will be shadows when there's light,
bitterness and sweet,
tears of joy; tears of sorrow
smiles to comfort the frown.
that is when true friendship exist.
where is that through roads of bitter thorns
and flames of adversity,
indeed trust, love and togetherness
brings about comfort within our soul.
therefore my friend.
listen to what i have to say,
and treasure the people around you.
amist the riches of the world,
of peace in suffering, joy in pain.
relish your time.
accept this your bond among the 2.
harsh but true.
for what is lost is lost, and what is gained is gained forever.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
bed of daisies
midyears are finally over. yayy! aha! but the thought of A levels not being over kept the books on my desk there. well, i had training today.
next week, a divisions. hard on me. i must admit that i have not so much hope placed on this supposedly big competition. not that i have no confidence, but i know where i stand. but, that i know for sure, where God stands in my life. i'll leave it to Him, where He wants to put me. well, many would claim i am just too set back by my own miniature standards and being too dependent on Him, i am proud of my solace in Him, that i can rely fully on Him.
everything's gonna be alright.
was i really for winning this race? to test my standard?
this i know that rowing is definitely my love. hmmm maybe i overrated it. well, its surely my passion. i row. and i row.
and i would be lying if i said this race do not mean much to me. i mean, ive trained so hard for it! but what if i didnt win...
how much will i matter to me?
God, i will just entrust this race into your hands. because i know in my hands (i probably just screw it up)
in fact i shall just leave my entire life with you. its already pretty much disheveled but i dont wanna mess it up anymore.
good to be loved by Him eh?=) i dont have to worry anymore!
whatever the outcome of the race (although i will still paddle my utmost best!), though i know i'll be yet disappointed and discouraged, i know that God has a very much bigger plan for me.=) and i trust Him for that.
right. i just read my friend's blog (finally bothered to find the link)... and i know ive seriously much affected her that day. i didnt mean to break apart in front of you, but... and its really not that i dont trust you. i might still be living in that little cocoon, or so you've claimed. but at least i know someone cares... at least i know that... probably you really understood. even though maybe time and time again you try to get me to open up but i just refused to, i seriously never thought of you as a quidnunc or such. in fact i felt comforted that you cared. ahhhh.
i felt that i could let you know how i felt that day so... i know i yelled at you and offended you with the propriety of my language. but that is so cause i thought you cared. i thought you understood. so i wanted to let you know that i was really upset. i think in short i just needed someone whom i trust to scream at. so it didnt work out.
haiz. so, don't give up on me ok? don't stop caring for me.
don't "bye" me... (although without you reminding me i'll still do my qt)
and i shall proclaim His glory.
for He is the centre of my life.
im glad that i have You.
i was just returning home from chill-out session at J8. well i didnt want to be at home yet, so i took a walk around central. i wanted to be alone, or so i think. i just had this yearning for someone else to be here with me, someone whom i can ask out anytime whenever i felt, alone. ahhh but there was no one in my mind. hmmm.
something have been on my mind.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
the cross of obedience
it wasn't much in a while ago that i had a sort of "relapse" again. probably the work of satan and his malicious intents but oh-wells, i'm glad have gotten over it. and of course, with God's help.
well, life has always, and will forver be of ups and downs for me. dealing with sins, temptations, guilt, shame; the likes of this screwed up world. and living in this conditioned world is never easy. taming the innate ugly nature of man is ever more difficult.
as a young man living in such a world, i often ask myself the purpose God has for me. why place me in such a hellish planet with full of suffering and pain, yet dousing me in His forgiveness, leaving me with much guilt and shame. worst of all, causing me to develope a sense of hatred for my flesh.
most of the time i'll just live with it, let it come and go. just keep sinning, feeling guilty, yet knowing i've been forgiven yet again. and... sin comes to play again, with the whole cycle rowing back in.
i'd always try to deal with it, trying to deny myself the rights of a human, stuffing myself in endless emotional torture and beating on my own the excruciating pain of isolation and loneliness.
people around me find me weird and scary, pointing out how i used to hide myself from this world, afraid i fall into any booby-traps satan has laid out for me.
don't they know these are the process of a christian, trying really hard to be a christian?
we have to learn how to deny ourselves, our identity with this world and finding ourselves living in Christ. we have to learn to crucify our old man on the cross, to take up a new identity. well of course they don't.
why have i failed and failed to succeed? losing battles to satan and the world? finding myself so dirty and disowned by God? well, i felt that way because i needed to learn that God will never disown me. and that His unconditional Great Love for me has already forgiven me, urging me to try again and learn, how to become a better christian.
I have failed because i tried to follow Him with my own strength, with my own ability. and i would have always fail, until i know that i cannot do it myself, with my human ability. that i will fail, until i allow God to take full ownership of my life. to pick up my own cross and follow Him in baptism.
obedience. i cannot carry my cross on my own. i have to let Him carry it for me. then, will i succeed. i am still struggling with personal wars in myself, my spritual self with my worldly self. i know that sometimes i fall to sin and temptation, but this is the process of me failing, so i will learn how to succeed with His strength. to dis-identify myself with this world, my flesh's desires and nature, to identify and yoke myself with God.
and i know i am not alone.
every christian is struggling. because we know that He loves us, and we want to love him.
we need Him.
and not to forget the first step of our obedience is baptism.
that we proclaim our death to this world, and our lives to God.
we shout to satan and tell him to leave us alone because we BELONG to GOD.
we might fail sometimes, falling back to this world. but we know that He still loves us and we try again... not with our own strength, but by His.
Praise God.
let Him bear our cross.
you're not alone.
well, life has always, and will forver be of ups and downs for me. dealing with sins, temptations, guilt, shame; the likes of this screwed up world. and living in this conditioned world is never easy. taming the innate ugly nature of man is ever more difficult.
as a young man living in such a world, i often ask myself the purpose God has for me. why place me in such a hellish planet with full of suffering and pain, yet dousing me in His forgiveness, leaving me with much guilt and shame. worst of all, causing me to develope a sense of hatred for my flesh.
most of the time i'll just live with it, let it come and go. just keep sinning, feeling guilty, yet knowing i've been forgiven yet again. and... sin comes to play again, with the whole cycle rowing back in.
i'd always try to deal with it, trying to deny myself the rights of a human, stuffing myself in endless emotional torture and beating on my own the excruciating pain of isolation and loneliness.
people around me find me weird and scary, pointing out how i used to hide myself from this world, afraid i fall into any booby-traps satan has laid out for me.
don't they know these are the process of a christian, trying really hard to be a christian?
we have to learn how to deny ourselves, our identity with this world and finding ourselves living in Christ. we have to learn to crucify our old man on the cross, to take up a new identity. well of course they don't.
why have i failed and failed to succeed? losing battles to satan and the world? finding myself so dirty and disowned by God? well, i felt that way because i needed to learn that God will never disown me. and that His unconditional Great Love for me has already forgiven me, urging me to try again and learn, how to become a better christian.
I have failed because i tried to follow Him with my own strength, with my own ability. and i would have always fail, until i know that i cannot do it myself, with my human ability. that i will fail, until i allow God to take full ownership of my life. to pick up my own cross and follow Him in baptism.
obedience. i cannot carry my cross on my own. i have to let Him carry it for me. then, will i succeed. i am still struggling with personal wars in myself, my spritual self with my worldly self. i know that sometimes i fall to sin and temptation, but this is the process of me failing, so i will learn how to succeed with His strength. to dis-identify myself with this world, my flesh's desires and nature, to identify and yoke myself with God.
and i know i am not alone.
every christian is struggling. because we know that He loves us, and we want to love him.
we need Him.
and not to forget the first step of our obedience is baptism.
that we proclaim our death to this world, and our lives to God.
we shout to satan and tell him to leave us alone because we BELONG to GOD.
we might fail sometimes, falling back to this world. but we know that He still loves us and we try again... not with our own strength, but by His.
Praise God.
let Him bear our cross.
you're not alone.
Monday, June 23, 2008
No griping
I know i've been forgiven. His great love, His boundless mercy.
"when things go wrong, i will not be a grumbler,
Complaining, seeing everything as grim;
For when i think of how the Lord has blessed me,
I cannot help but give my praise to Him." -Hess
"when things go wrong, i will not be a grumbler,
Complaining, seeing everything as grim;
For when i think of how the Lord has blessed me,
I cannot help but give my praise to Him." -Hess
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Voices. Struggle.
I cant trust. I cant talk. Just leave me by myself.
there is still hope... He is there... Waiting for you...
GO AWAY GO AWAY! i don't want... i don't want... i cant take it anymore... i want to die...
Its tough i know... But with His strength you can do it!
With His strength? I cant even feel Him anymore! He has left me. I'm too dirty too lousy too unhim... I cant go back... I cant...
Pick up yourself...
I cant. Its too heavy... He wun help me... I'm too far away... Too deep down... I'm too weak....i'm sorry just go away...
there is still hope... He is there... Waiting for you...
GO AWAY GO AWAY! i don't want... i don't want... i cant take it anymore... i want to die...
Its tough i know... But with His strength you can do it!
With His strength? I cant even feel Him anymore! He has left me. I'm too dirty too lousy too unhim... I cant go back... I cant...
Pick up yourself...
I cant. Its too heavy... He wun help me... I'm too far away... Too deep down... I'm too weak....i'm sorry just go away...
Destruction.
Trapped in destitute, lost.
I've lost. I've lost to the world.
No more in His glory i shine.
I've been abandoned. By myself.
Too unworthy, too unfaithful.
Struggles within me.
Too ashamed, too human.
I'm sorry.
I've lost. I've lost to the world.
No more in His glory i shine.
I've been abandoned. By myself.
Too unworthy, too unfaithful.
Struggles within me.
Too ashamed, too human.
I'm sorry.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Back to obedience
When comforts are declining,
If grants the soul again
A reason of clear shining,
To aides it after rain. -Cowper
"If you sense your faith is unraveling, go back to where you dropped the thread of obedience."
If grants the soul again
A reason of clear shining,
To aides it after rain. -Cowper
"If you sense your faith is unraveling, go back to where you dropped the thread of obedience."
deliver me
i slipped. again... and i cnnt talk to no one. fuck man. i dunno i dunno i cnnt speak a shit... damnit.
it always happens! i just want it to stop... i want it to stop... to stop. i dont want to continue anymore... its so freaking tiring...
i know He still loves me. but.. i cnnt take it anymore. im too unworthy.
no one can help me... no one will understand.. no one will believe. and i know that. because ive tried.
i just keep falling... and when i pick myself up again, i know i'll fall again. and then i fall again. and pick up again. please stop it.... i too tired. too unworthy... i wanna give it all up.
why issit so tiring to be a christian?? that i have to live in guilt and fear and bloody hatred for this stupid planet.
i see myself again, in the bath... curled up in one corner... water crashing down my head... i wept, i slammed the wall and grit my teeth i punched...
and i cnnt die. cos its not my time yet. fuck.
i dun wanna belong here anymore... i cnnt do it.
i know im not supposed to overcome with my old flesh...
i just cnnt.. i dunno how.
i know i dun want to be alone... yet i cnnt say... i cant open up... i cant i really cant.
it always happens! i just want it to stop... i want it to stop... to stop. i dont want to continue anymore... its so freaking tiring...
i know He still loves me. but.. i cnnt take it anymore. im too unworthy.
no one can help me... no one will understand.. no one will believe. and i know that. because ive tried.
i just keep falling... and when i pick myself up again, i know i'll fall again. and then i fall again. and pick up again. please stop it.... i too tired. too unworthy... i wanna give it all up.
why issit so tiring to be a christian?? that i have to live in guilt and fear and bloody hatred for this stupid planet.
i see myself again, in the bath... curled up in one corner... water crashing down my head... i wept, i slammed the wall and grit my teeth i punched...
and i cnnt die. cos its not my time yet. fuck.
i dun wanna belong here anymore... i cnnt do it.
i know im not supposed to overcome with my old flesh...
i just cnnt.. i dunno how.
i know i dun want to be alone... yet i cnnt say... i cant open up... i cant i really cant.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
back!
IM BACK FROM MALAYSIA (CHURCH CAMP)!!!!!! =))))
REALLY HAD LOTS AND LOTS OF FUN THOU=// MISSED QUITE A COUPLE OF TRAININGS...O.0 LOL
IM TIRED... SO I BLOG AGAIN ANOTHER TIME...=///
SEEYA!~
sorry for the caps... too excited.o.0
REALLY HAD LOTS AND LOTS OF FUN THOU=// MISSED QUITE A COUPLE OF TRAININGS...O.0 LOL
IM TIRED... SO I BLOG AGAIN ANOTHER TIME...=///
SEEYA!~
sorry for the caps... too excited.o.0
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
whee
ok i decided to blog not only when im emo but also when im happy! hmmm my blog have been rather dull for a while so i shld upload a few pics!=D
ME AND COLLIN!!!
NYKRT~
1st try audrey tried to get into the picture 
oh she just gave up.
go ahead... take a picture=) 
Me and my dear sister with TEDDIESSS!!=D
awwww dun sulk!!
ok this is much better!
EVER SO HOT... MARIAH CAREY!!!=))
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
