appreciated?

and again i scream into my own ears.
this time louder than the one before
yet, the impact wasnt that as hard.

looks like i was getting immuned.

i know i must not be normal.
just the average and just what everyone else do.
i know i play the angel. the super friend. the nice guy.
whatever you call me.

im not supposed to make enemies.
not supposed to hate, to judge.
i have to love everyone and befriend anyone.
even the outcasted, even the hated.

and im not supposed to make mistakes.
because every single one, every minute one.
weighs a crushing tonne on my shoulders.
and should i break a single twig,
the whole crowd will not hesitate to express their contempt.
shake their heads in disapproval
and judge me.
because i am super good guy.
bacause i cannot fall.
cannot do wrong.

they say they are disappointed in me.

each step i take,
so careful, so defined.
i walk the thread and live in fear of slipping.
what is expected of me.
because i am the super nice friend.

now, it sounds so tough to be me eh.
but yet i feel a joy in my heart.
because i live a life, seeing the sliver lining in every cloud.
and i ignore the dark looming sides of them.
because i know what i do is right.
because i know He'll be proud of me.

and i cannot just be like anyone.
i cannot just do things that others do.
it is sort of an inbuilt in me
to be nice.
many a times i see people judge others.
but i cannot judge even those who judge others.

people ask me why i do this.
because i am born to be like this.
hard it is.

it is....

and now i slipped.
i fell.
my legs got tired and weakened.

i tried to stand. to maintain my balance...
but i fall yet again.

and the second time?
i just let myself fall.
it just feels so relieving.
not bounded anymore by this burden to be a superman.

i know the fall will not be a light one.
and yes, it was hard. so hard.
and i lay on the floor, so painful.
oh, i am bleeding.

but no one will see this.
they see me as a superman.
ever the super nice guy.
how could he ever be hurt?
he will climb back up again, like always.

and i stare up into the sky.
i see the thread i used to balance on all my life.
there were good times and bad times.
happy times, disappointing times and sad times.
were all of it worthed?
did it really pleased Him?

i know i could climb back up again if i wanted.
i did it before and no doubt i could do it again.
revert back everything if i wanted to.
i really could.
but now, i hesitate.
do i really want it?