the sea is a healer

The sea is a healer.
It washes away my footsteps. Washes away my past.
As i stare into the black waters. Music. The gushing of the waves against my feet.
The ever crumpling soft sand felt the intrusion of my weight.
So conforming. Just like me.
Yet the current keeps coming. And moulds it back to shape. Somehow, the chilling night sea breeze. Felt the pores on my skin. Unravels the true me.
The air reaches deep behind that face.
Behind these eyes within. And gently reaches into the vulnerable me.

Suddenly it seems so easy to breathe...
I'm not suffocating anymore.
My feet played the mysterious soil below and danced lightly. So beautiful, the sinking feeling. It just melts my soul, this beautiful creation and interweaving of all peace.

Beyond the end waves lies blindly black water. Yet this time, black is not ugly anymore.
So addictive, so appealing and inviting. Take another step forward.
My shorts are wet now. But something in me tells me it doesn't matter anymore. I want to go deeper. Into freedom.
Not enslaved by the needs of this world and the likes of the future. This is sin.
Another step forward.

Now the water feels warmer. And it gets darker. Soothing tunes melt into my soul. So enchanting so tempting.
Unintended peace planted in my heart. I sniffed in. Closed my eyes. Took an unsteady step forward.
No.
A shiver came down. Like sent from heaven. It jolted me awake. But i wanted to sleep into this lovely waters.
It got colder again. And my eyes felt dry now, not moist like before. I'm part of this.

This lovely dark scene.
Its my possession now. Mine.
And i belong here. Not anywhere else. Not that ugly filthy place.
I stared down the dim vast plain, stretching across and stars. There. Out there.
Could i fly there and kiss the angels?
My existence is not restrained by years now. I'll be here for eternity. Unafraid finally. I can wander like the breeze i so envied.


No. No! Suddenly i gravitate back here. Visions of heaven morphed into voidness.
I'm in this chamber of foolish dreams.
In this pursuit of noth.

I peered down my own feel. Why? Why is it that while i so yearn to belong out there, the waves seems to try time and time again to climb to earth. Forcefully trying to reach higher.
How foolish, i said. And i walked away.
An urgent human need to use the restroom.

And as i walked back, i see this beautiful scene.
This young girl and her mother dancing together. Glowing slightly under the moonlight. They were blowing bubbles.
And as i stand in the direction of the wind, metres away from this exquisite form of painting, the wind throws the hundred of bubbles into a ballad.
Glittering in rainbows, swirling as the moving air, into me. All around me, racing each other in this performance. For me.
Just for me.

Its gorgeous. Beyond word description. And the bubbles. Jewels of air kept flowing.
Pretty. Phenomenal.
So this is why even the waters wanted here. Just to see this angelic pretty little lifeform and her blessed art of heaven.

the drossy audiophile

say. my ears hurt from vociferous shit-like noise cranking from some mass-produced shabby nokia earphones.
my pampered drums scream with indignant and cry in protest.
i am getting abrasions from cents-worth ear buds.
i'd rather not listen to the so-called music these replacements actually produced.
its noise. its downright, blatant hissing.

ok, its not all that bad. i just needed to rant.

should i thrift again?
im eyeing that Sennheiser PX-100 or Koss Porta Pro.
or some iems? crossroads are popular. and vaunted for their highly acclaimed sound quality. yet lost again half their score with cheap built. damn.
70 bucks to 85 bucks.

save save save.

Through the waves.

Nothing's going right now.
Everything is just wrong, or not good enough.
Its a bad week. A bad interval.
I need You to put things right.
I want to place it all in Your arms.
You take them all away.
Sounds too good to be true eh?
Sometimes i doubt it too.
But i can never doubt His unfailing love.
It is too good to be true.

And i know, nothing can go too wrong for Him to make right.
Please Lord. And i pray too for peifen, cheryl and those in this tide too. Be with us and uphold us in this time of our need.
Carry us in your loving arms and sail us through the storm.

I pray with desperation, love, hope and faith.

how is it like to have lost someone?

really?
if that someone, is someone you really really loved.
if that someone was not meant to be taken away from you.
if you'll never get to see him/her again?

and there is just so much, so many things left behind that remind you of her presence?
and you just cannot let go, not matter how hard you tried.

it burns a hole in your heart doesnt it.
it never heals would it?
nothing could ever mend it.
its burns and burns
sucks out all that's worth
cruelly and continuously stabs you.

until theres nothing left but nothing.
until you cannot feel yourself anymore.
because without her, there's nothing left.
because she was your everything.
the anesthetics kick in.
voidness floods your heart and soul.
tears dont fall anymore, and you blame yourself for it.
throat's totally dry and it would have felt weird to speak.
that stinging feeling in your eyes,
questions, thoughts,
doubts, denial,
your whole world has been sucked out completely.

leaving you an empty shell to end with.

beyond earthly spirits.

well, amid all stress and frustration, worries and anguish.
i found true love.

now, dont get all excited and sparked.
its probably not what you think.

i guess its probably a year ago since then, but still.
i just found it. or probably, i just realised how precious was it.
that i was probably too blinded (by tears?) to really appreciate it.

like me, my sis is probably one emotional ship(wrecked?)
no she isnt. i probably am.
i never seen the inner her, or probably took that side of her too seriously till this fine day.
maybe ive peeked once or twice at her diary (oops), but i never did fully understood her thoughts, her feelings. her heart.

so small, so hidden.
yet so huge, so deep, so delicate.
even scary.

we both shared the same traits.
this phobia of expressing. of pouring. of tearing.
of sharing, of trusting.
like me, we both had no one else. but we had each other.
and we just didnt know it.
both lones. i know how she feels.
so suffocating.
so hurt.
yet somehow, we were born with our lips sewn.
yet again, blessed with these fingers.
we down our thoughts and feelings into writings.

so alike,
but i am luckier.
i experienced trust before.
a special person unlocked a lock in my heart.
left it open.
it was easier for me, revealing hints of sorrow sometimes outwardly.
yet for her.
a facade of happy-go-lucky, laughters.
whilst i know, behind that veil.
lies a broken soul. just like me.

and she loves me.
so much i didnt know till just.
hidden so rooted in her heart.
she hardly expressed it.
secrets. tears. she would so willingly spare for me.

we would share a vein.
when i bleed, she knows.
she feels it. she bleeds too.

her blog.
Sunday, August 19, 2007.
God willed, you shall find and read it.

a post. i read it once and i'll love her for a lifetime.
i would have sworn if i could.

this post will most likely mean little to you.
its between me and my sis.
it means a whole world to me.


when one day, when i know theres nothing on earth left for me to be, left to hold on to.
left to love. left to believe it.
i will always protect you, love you, cry with you.

i'll be your superman.

Maybe something could happen that can never unhappen.
That scares you, doesn't it?
But you need to think about now.
Really take it in!
Look at you: you think you've got it so damn hard.
Well, you hate being alone, so let people in!
Sure, you may not answer the phone,
but I don't see you throwing it away, either!
--Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

comfort food

Jesus is all this poor world needs today;
Blindly they strive, for sin darkens their way.
O to draw back the grim curtains of night
—One glimpse of Jesus and all will be bright! —
Loes© Renewal 1943