snakes and ladders

i really want to pen down those powerful messages that ive been receiving from the FOP, Pastor How. Powerful i must say, truely touched my soul and even enlightening. i learnt, but have i grown?

1:48am in the wee. and i still have school tmr (sigh). counting down 72? days to a levels. i really should be studying... or at the least away in dreamland! but... i had this sudden urge to blog...
about? i dunno. i guess i just type as my heart/mind (or maybe fingers) take me.

i must admit i might as well have been wasting time away. especially weekends. when there isnt this burning urge to ground my mind back into the books. now when training have ceased and i feel that i have more time in my hands (which isnt true). lack of discipline. take for ytd, a 3 hour paper in the morning is indeed a good start, if not for a 2 hour nap in the afternoon which totally ruined everything. then i decided to study. well, i did a rather inefficient correction of the whole maths paper 1 again when my body started iching me for a run. right, i skip the details but yeah. a whole day, with only a paper completed. darn.
sunday was worst. dont ask.
i needa study. harder. well, i'll get a copy of yanyu's timetable tmr and finally (i hope), a strict academic regimen. foooccusssss....

okok ive digressed from my heartfelt desire to blog. about my personal walk with God.

2am already. yeah this is the time when everything peaced out and darkness and the still life sets in. suddenly the heart beats sounds ever prominent than ever eh? o the whispers.
thoughts and reflections pours in now. and i feel more uneasy than ever, how could i explain this feeling?
when i stare into the darkness outside my open window, its like... the darkness is creeping closer. engaging me, integrating me. the night chilling breeze on my skin. adsorbing the creepiness of the shiverish.
how could anyone see the weight of my heart inside? this load im carrying, burdened down and heavy.... bringing me lower...
i know He sees it, He feels it... and He wants to bear it for me.
here i am with a bleeding heart.
a confused, sin-riddened, wounded soul,
His love so amazing divine.
yet something is pulling me back when i reach out to Him...
something telling me
reminding me of my past.
my past.
"how ugly"
"how dirty"
"disgusting"
abhoring....

and i cry because i know.
how Glorified and Almighty He is.
is forgiving this hurted soul.
suffered the malevolence of his own.

but i will always be so unworthy.
and always scorn upon by myself
everytime i fall.
because it's everytime.
it happens everytime.
and i keep losing.

and i cry to You o Lord of love...
to depart from me.
because i keep hurting me,
You.
because i am beyond any hope.
because i cant be loved.

i love you...
my spirit do.

vulnerable.
nothing but bringing shame to you.

ironically today's message was about self leadership.
self controlling emotions.

i have overwhelming emotions.
how could i ignore all these
because of the Cross?
because of His Blood
can i not feel this way?



treasure your salvation my brothers and sisters.
does it come easy to you?
could you even feel the excruciating pain Jesus went through to nail Himself on the Cross?
to be disowned... and spat upon! by people he was trying to save...
by his loved ones...
the painful hurting thoughts that ran through his mind...
he was man.
he bled. he was whipped. he was speared!
but those did not hurt him more than the sins he was bearing for all of us....
those did not hurt him more than the anguish when he saw his people, his loved ones hating him...
when i sinned.

but i know. that he had joy in his heart.
for he knew he loved us. and he knew God loves him.

where am i?
i seek your face but i looked away.
i loved your love but
i deny myself your love.

guide me Abba Father.
teach me and lead me.
love me and forgive me.
save me and protect me.
be patient with me daddy.
i will glorify your name one day.
when with you, i finally overcome.
amen.