Wednesday, June 18, 2008

deliver me

i slipped. again... and i cnnt talk to no one. fuck man. i dunno i dunno i cnnt speak a shit... damnit.

it always happens! i just want it to stop... i want it to stop... to stop. i dont want to continue anymore... its so freaking tiring...

i know He still loves me. but.. i cnnt take it anymore. im too unworthy.
no one can help me... no one will understand.. no one will believe. and i know that. because ive tried.

i just keep falling... and when i pick myself up again, i know i'll fall again. and then i fall again. and pick up again. please stop it.... i too tired. too unworthy... i wanna give it all up.

why issit so tiring to be a christian?? that i have to live in guilt and fear and bloody hatred for this stupid planet.

i see myself again, in the bath... curled up in one corner... water crashing down my head... i wept, i slammed the wall and grit my teeth i punched...
and i cnnt die. cos its not my time yet. fuck.

i dun wanna belong here anymore... i cnnt do it.
i know im not supposed to overcome with my old flesh...
i just cnnt.. i dunno how.

i know i dun want to be alone... yet i cnnt say... i cant open up... i cant i really cant.

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