snakes and ladders

i really want to pen down those powerful messages that ive been receiving from the FOP, Pastor How. Powerful i must say, truely touched my soul and even enlightening. i learnt, but have i grown?

1:48am in the wee. and i still have school tmr (sigh). counting down 72? days to a levels. i really should be studying... or at the least away in dreamland! but... i had this sudden urge to blog...
about? i dunno. i guess i just type as my heart/mind (or maybe fingers) take me.

i must admit i might as well have been wasting time away. especially weekends. when there isnt this burning urge to ground my mind back into the books. now when training have ceased and i feel that i have more time in my hands (which isnt true). lack of discipline. take for ytd, a 3 hour paper in the morning is indeed a good start, if not for a 2 hour nap in the afternoon which totally ruined everything. then i decided to study. well, i did a rather inefficient correction of the whole maths paper 1 again when my body started iching me for a run. right, i skip the details but yeah. a whole day, with only a paper completed. darn.
sunday was worst. dont ask.
i needa study. harder. well, i'll get a copy of yanyu's timetable tmr and finally (i hope), a strict academic regimen. foooccusssss....

okok ive digressed from my heartfelt desire to blog. about my personal walk with God.

2am already. yeah this is the time when everything peaced out and darkness and the still life sets in. suddenly the heart beats sounds ever prominent than ever eh? o the whispers.
thoughts and reflections pours in now. and i feel more uneasy than ever, how could i explain this feeling?
when i stare into the darkness outside my open window, its like... the darkness is creeping closer. engaging me, integrating me. the night chilling breeze on my skin. adsorbing the creepiness of the shiverish.
how could anyone see the weight of my heart inside? this load im carrying, burdened down and heavy.... bringing me lower...
i know He sees it, He feels it... and He wants to bear it for me.
here i am with a bleeding heart.
a confused, sin-riddened, wounded soul,
His love so amazing divine.
yet something is pulling me back when i reach out to Him...
something telling me
reminding me of my past.
my past.
"how ugly"
"how dirty"
"disgusting"
abhoring....

and i cry because i know.
how Glorified and Almighty He is.
is forgiving this hurted soul.
suffered the malevolence of his own.

but i will always be so unworthy.
and always scorn upon by myself
everytime i fall.
because it's everytime.
it happens everytime.
and i keep losing.

and i cry to You o Lord of love...
to depart from me.
because i keep hurting me,
You.
because i am beyond any hope.
because i cant be loved.

i love you...
my spirit do.

vulnerable.
nothing but bringing shame to you.

ironically today's message was about self leadership.
self controlling emotions.

i have overwhelming emotions.
how could i ignore all these
because of the Cross?
because of His Blood
can i not feel this way?



treasure your salvation my brothers and sisters.
does it come easy to you?
could you even feel the excruciating pain Jesus went through to nail Himself on the Cross?
to be disowned... and spat upon! by people he was trying to save...
by his loved ones...
the painful hurting thoughts that ran through his mind...
he was man.
he bled. he was whipped. he was speared!
but those did not hurt him more than the sins he was bearing for all of us....
those did not hurt him more than the anguish when he saw his people, his loved ones hating him...
when i sinned.

but i know. that he had joy in his heart.
for he knew he loved us. and he knew God loves him.

where am i?
i seek your face but i looked away.
i loved your love but
i deny myself your love.

guide me Abba Father.
teach me and lead me.
love me and forgive me.
save me and protect me.
be patient with me daddy.
i will glorify your name one day.
when with you, i finally overcome.
amen.

my inspiration=)

http://www.cbc.ca/olympics/olympians/story/2008/06/05/f-olympics-canoekayak-vankoeverden.html

love flame

i know i just feel so helpless...
i know that i have nothing else, but God.
i know that i am filled, even though i only have Him.
because He is everything.

but, sometimes...
i cry.
i have the ultimate Savior.
the ultimate Lover...
but i still cry.

about things, i cannot speak about...
or at least,
i want to but i cannot.

because people are judgmental.

of all these, only 3 will remain.
hope, faith, love.

and the greatest of these is Love.

who can i talk to about...
so what if
im so stuffed and bleeding inside...
and so scared.
im shivering in the cold,
drenched in the rain
inside me...

theres this candle i hold..
gripped tightly between my fingers.
undaunted by the wind and rain...
keeping me warm.
i pray to this flame, to keep me safe.
that everything will be alright soon.
that all these pain im suffering... is just temporary.

the flame let me cry on it...
scream my heart out on it...
find comfort in it.
keep me warm.

but
but...

the flame has other plans....
its not taking away my pain... torture
anguish.

i find priority in my life,
A levels.
to take my eyes of the pain.
to know that this exam is more important...

even as im writing this,
there is so much i want to say.
and things that are taking place even now...
that bring the tears that's whelming up in my eyes.

and i down into loud asounding tunes
so i wont hear them.
lest i cannot control myself anymore....

yet i try to share my sorrows on this blog.
but with myself.
and yet there's so much i cannot say....
and i can only pray.

O for a love that knows no end,A love that is strong and pure,Reaching afar to both foe and friend,So deep it will always endure. —R. De Haan

Love enables us to walk fearlessly, to run confidently, and to live victoriously.

fingerprints

living it. =)


; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
shit
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
do i sound like a gay partner to u?
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
lol.
My Generation says:
ahahhahahhahs
My Generation says:
no worries i have lots of gay partners=)
My Generation says:
hyou could be one of them
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
yea man
My Generation says:
lol
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
u do
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
i dun wan to
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
but actually
My Generation says:
LOL!
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
no target at the moment la
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
so still can
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
im still available
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
u want?
; jh ~ [nykrt] a twist of fate. says:
lol
My Generation says:
AHAHAHHAHAHA
My Generation says:
you bet man


hmmmmmm=.=

For the Cause.

i went for FOP today again. well, i wanted to experienced it all over again. today's message was powerful, invoking and dynamic. 3 nights dedicated to praise and worship. peifen told me that yesterday night was an ovational phenomenon.
the giantic chior (overwhelming the mikes) and the towering chorus of voices.
voices as one body, echoing the whole stadium, rocking the whole place, swaying and shaking the quietness of even the outside night. Singing our lives wholly to God! Surrendering our hearts to God.
i could feel it. the extraordinary majestic presence tingling all around me. i felt like i was lifted!
carried and completed! nothing could be any more awesome than that.

when i close my eyes i can still picture it. seeping through my skin, enveloping my heart and soul. it still lingers. breathtaking. lovers of God all around! everyone on fire for Him! singing! shouting! praying! praising! as One Body of Christ! as the Church of God! as a Family!
Magnificent. Spectacular.

Ok. i wanted to blog about the message but maybe next week. im supposed to bathe and sleep already. mmm the excitment's not down yet. oh wells. starting school again.haiz. jiayou everyone!
lets all face the new week with God together!=)

Awe.

There,
A Thousand Hearts Singing
A Thousand Voices Glorifying
A Thousand Hands Lifted up
A Thousand of Your children on FIRE for You, Lord!

It was earth shattering.
Empowering,
The Holy Spirit was in our presence!
Captivating, filling us with Thy Love.

Brothers and Sisters
Undescribable.
Nonthing was more important and just
SINGING AND PRAISING AND WORSHIPPING AND... AND
we just want to love you back oh Lord...
we just want to give you all the Glory,
our ALL.

We, as a body of the Living Chirst!
how moved, how stoked!
it was EUPHORIA!
the pre-taste of Heaven!

You are the Mighty One True God.
and there is No Other.