the cross of obedience

it wasn't much in a while ago that i had a sort of "relapse" again. probably the work of satan and his malicious intents but oh-wells, i'm glad have gotten over it. and of course, with God's help.

well, life has always, and will forver be of ups and downs for me. dealing with sins, temptations, guilt, shame; the likes of this screwed up world. and living in this conditioned world is never easy. taming the innate ugly nature of man is ever more difficult.

as a young man living in such a world, i often ask myself the purpose God has for me. why place me in such a hellish planet with full of suffering and pain, yet dousing me in His forgiveness, leaving me with much guilt and shame. worst of all, causing me to develope a sense of hatred for my flesh.

most of the time i'll just live with it, let it come and go. just keep sinning, feeling guilty, yet knowing i've been forgiven yet again. and... sin comes to play again, with the whole cycle rowing back in.
i'd always try to deal with it, trying to deny myself the rights of a human, stuffing myself in endless emotional torture and beating on my own the excruciating pain of isolation and loneliness.
people around me find me weird and scary, pointing out how i used to hide myself from this world, afraid i fall into any booby-traps satan has laid out for me.

don't they know these are the process of a christian, trying really hard to be a christian?
we have to learn how to deny ourselves, our identity with this world and finding ourselves living in Christ. we have to learn to crucify our old man on the cross, to take up a new identity. well of course they don't.

why have i failed and failed to succeed? losing battles to satan and the world? finding myself so dirty and disowned by God? well, i felt that way because i needed to learn that God will never disown me. and that His unconditional Great Love for me has already forgiven me, urging me to try again and learn, how to become a better christian.

I have failed because i tried to follow Him with my own strength, with my own ability. and i would have always fail, until i know that i cannot do it myself, with my human ability. that i will fail, until i allow God to take full ownership of my life. to pick up my own cross and follow Him in baptism.

obedience. i cannot carry my cross on my own. i have to let Him carry it for me. then, will i succeed. i am still struggling with personal wars in myself, my spritual self with my worldly self. i know that sometimes i fall to sin and temptation, but this is the process of me failing, so i will learn how to succeed with His strength. to dis-identify myself with this world, my flesh's desires and nature, to identify and yoke myself with God.

and i know i am not alone.
every christian is struggling. because we know that He loves us, and we want to love him.
we need Him.

and not to forget the first step of our obedience is baptism.
that we proclaim our death to this world, and our lives to God.
we shout to satan and tell him to leave us alone because we BELONG to GOD.

we might fail sometimes, falling back to this world. but we know that He still loves us and we try again... not with our own strength, but by His.
Praise God.
let Him bear our cross.


you're not alone.

No griping

I know i've been forgiven. His great love, His boundless mercy.

"when things go wrong, i will not be a grumbler,
Complaining, seeing everything as grim;
For when i think of how the Lord has blessed me,
I cannot help but give my praise to Him." -Hess

And stop pretending you understand. Cause you don't, you will never.

Voices. Struggle.

I cant trust. I cant talk. Just leave me by myself.

there is still hope... He is there... Waiting for you...

GO AWAY GO AWAY! i don't want... i don't want... i cant take it anymore... i want to die...

Its tough i know... But with His strength you can do it!

With His strength? I cant even feel Him anymore! He has left me. I'm too dirty too lousy too unhim... I cant go back... I cant...

Pick up yourself...

I cant. Its too heavy... He wun help me... I'm too far away... Too deep down... I'm too weak....i'm sorry just go away...

Destruction.

Trapped in destitute, lost.
I've lost. I've lost to the world.
No more in His glory i shine.
I've been abandoned. By myself.

Too unworthy, too unfaithful.
Struggles within me.
Too ashamed, too human.

I'm sorry.

Back to obedience

When comforts are declining,
If grants the soul again
A reason of clear shining,
To aides it after rain. -Cowper


"If you sense your faith is unraveling, go back to where you dropped the thread of obedience."

deliver me

i slipped. again... and i cnnt talk to no one. fuck man. i dunno i dunno i cnnt speak a shit... damnit.

it always happens! i just want it to stop... i want it to stop... to stop. i dont want to continue anymore... its so freaking tiring...

i know He still loves me. but.. i cnnt take it anymore. im too unworthy.
no one can help me... no one will understand.. no one will believe. and i know that. because ive tried.

i just keep falling... and when i pick myself up again, i know i'll fall again. and then i fall again. and pick up again. please stop it.... i too tired. too unworthy... i wanna give it all up.

why issit so tiring to be a christian?? that i have to live in guilt and fear and bloody hatred for this stupid planet.

i see myself again, in the bath... curled up in one corner... water crashing down my head... i wept, i slammed the wall and grit my teeth i punched...
and i cnnt die. cos its not my time yet. fuck.

i dun wanna belong here anymore... i cnnt do it.
i know im not supposed to overcome with my old flesh...
i just cnnt.. i dunno how.

i know i dun want to be alone... yet i cnnt say... i cant open up... i cant i really cant.

the Lord has been good to me. Really. We broke our timing today, and finally defeated the 2min barrier. And i can affirm everyone that its really by His grace. Thank God, and i'm truely sorry...no one is like You. I'm glad i have you in my life. Love being Loved by you.

back!

IM BACK FROM MALAYSIA (CHURCH CAMP)!!!!!! =))))

REALLY HAD LOTS AND LOTS OF FUN THOU=// MISSED QUITE A COUPLE OF TRAININGS...O.0 LOL

IM TIRED... SO I BLOG AGAIN ANOTHER TIME...=///

SEEYA!~

sorry for the caps... too excited.o.0