defeat?

haiz. okae fine... though i managed to get through the heats to the semi finals.
well, i knew i wouldnt be able to stand against the insane speed of the obviously better.
i went on anyway to give my best shot. despite the odds, i was all out to give my best shot. i prayed really hard. i really needed Him to guide me, to console and be with me. probably because i thought maybe He'll perform a miracle? aha.
right. i lost anyway.
no matter, i didnt perform well today. although even if i did i had probably still lost. however, during the heats we broke our personal best, and it was rather good i would say. but the competition was very tough. i just wasnt good enough.

okok i must start organising my thoughts. there are so many things i wanted to say about this competition. i learnt so much. more than ive lost.

firstly, i just want to Glorify my God. that i know, without Him i would have never been able to reach thus far. that i never would have been able to do it on my own.
and so what the defeat! ive gain so much more. ive learn how to trust in Him, how to keep returning into His arms and most of all, realise how much i really needed Him.
i would never be able to do it without you Lord. in fact i cannot live without you.

ok i just got distracted watching this rather interesting story on the television. it was first about this boy whom is too lazy to study and frequently fails his test. but because of the promise he made to his deceased father he studied really hard and score extremely well for his latest test. however.. he's freakingly insensitive and overassuming teacher accused him of cheating and not believing that he did it himself. irritating.. hahas.

ok digressed.

where was i... hmmm
okae most of the other stuffs i learnt aint that important so i wouldnt be bothered to pen it down.
i was awfully impressed by MJC this year. i saw how they drastically improved from their last year's standards. i applaud them really. im touched by their determination to break free from a "mediocre"(winks at audrey/collin/jiajun) school to a deservely much-feared school today.

most of all, thank God for jianrui. im proud of you. again, to God be all the glory youve brought to him. ive seen how hard you pushed yourself to have finally gotten to where you are. and that you have too maintained your faith as you fight on, with God in your heart. Fear not, for He who has created heaven and earth, is stronger than all those opponents you face out there. even those so-called super zhai rowers.=) believe!
and im glad that youre going to be baptized too. finally you are going to take this first step of obedience! ahhaa.

thank God for jianrui. you really made this competition so..so spritual for me. and most probably for you too. ahahas i still remember how both of us were so discouraged and nervous that we embraced each other so tightly and reminding each other of God with us. praise is to be His. i felt really comforted jianrui... although we were in full view of everyone there (it might have looked quite gay?)... thank you again.

well, none of us in nanyang made it to the finals but we'll still be down tmr. to watch, continue learning, and to support (jianrui,mervyn?).lol.
i'll be back. i'll be back. stronger, better, faster. in rowing, in God.

To Lord be ALL the Glory.

His Glory.

Ok. So national schools starts tmr. Hmmm... Cannot deny that i'm pretty nervous. Ok not pretty, extremely. Ahahah.

Well i just wanna say before i rest for the night that i'll row for His glory. And not mine to speak of.
That everything. Everything that i have is from and is His.
No matter the result.

If i lose, it'll be for His glory. Be it shining through another brother from the other boat down the lane.
If i win, it is from Him. I would never be able to do it myself.

Thank You oh Lord. For your grace sufficient for me. I shall want no other.

I'm sorry for all i've done. I'm glad i have Jesus.

Help me learn, help me understand.

downhere - the more

forever blest.

Ecclesiastes 3

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.

17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.

18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.

19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.

20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.

21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?

22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

kindred

i have this sudden urge this morning to pen down some thoughts of my own. i'll just let it indite by itself a form of literacy composition;

let be it by affinity, or a divine arrangement
that a bond forms between 2
and they would call Friendship.
or would they?

for one, it is by being strengthened by this bond,
through the weakening,
that finally 2 can sit back and say
"we aint just strangers. we're friends."

it is said that if 2 only acknowledge animosity
they are enemies.
if 2 find only joy and happiness,
it is fantasy.

unless 2 is able to accept and learn that
there will be shadows when there's light,
bitterness and sweet,
tears of joy; tears of sorrow
smiles to comfort the frown.
that is when true friendship exist.

where is that through roads of bitter thorns
and flames of adversity,
indeed trust, love and togetherness
brings about comfort within our soul.

therefore my friend.
listen to what i have to say,
and treasure the people around you.
amist the riches of the world,
of peace in suffering, joy in pain.
relish your time.
accept this your bond among the 2.
harsh but true.

for what is lost is lost, and what is gained is gained forever.

bed of daisies

midyears are finally over. yayy! aha! but the thought of A levels not being over kept the books on my desk there. well, i had training today.

next week, a divisions. hard on me. i must admit that i have not so much hope placed on this supposedly big competition. not that i have no confidence, but i know where i stand. but, that i know for sure, where God stands in my life. i'll leave it to Him, where He wants to put me. well, many would claim i am just too set back by my own miniature standards and being too dependent on Him, i am proud of my solace in Him, that i can rely fully on Him.

everything's gonna be alright.

was i really for winning this race? to test my standard?

this i know that rowing is definitely my love. hmmm maybe i overrated it. well, its surely my passion. i row. and i row.

and i would be lying if i said this race do not mean much to me. i mean, ive trained so hard for it! but what if i didnt win...

how much will i matter to me?

God, i will just entrust this race into your hands. because i know in my hands (i probably just screw it up)

in fact i shall just leave my entire life with you. its already pretty much disheveled but i dont wanna mess it up anymore.

good to be loved by Him eh?=) i dont have to worry anymore!

whatever the outcome of the race (although i will still paddle my utmost best!), though i know i'll be yet disappointed and discouraged, i know that God has a very much bigger plan for me.=) and i trust Him for that.

right. i just read my friend's blog (finally bothered to find the link)... and i know ive seriously much affected her that day. i didnt mean to break apart in front of you, but... and its really not that i dont trust you. i might still be living in that little cocoon, or so you've claimed. but at least i know someone cares... at least i know that... probably you really understood. even though maybe time and time again you try to get me to open up but i just refused to, i seriously never thought of you as a quidnunc or such. in fact i felt comforted that you cared. ahhhh.

i felt that i could let you know how i felt that day so... i know i yelled at you and offended you with the propriety of my language. but that is so cause i thought you cared. i thought you understood. so i wanted to let you know that i was really upset. i think in short i just needed someone whom i trust to scream at. so it didnt work out.

haiz. so, don't give up on me ok? don't stop caring for me.

don't "bye" me... (although without you reminding me i'll still do my qt)

and i shall proclaim His glory.

for He is the centre of my life.

im glad that i have You.

i was just returning home from chill-out session at J8. well i didnt want to be at home yet, so i took a walk around central. i wanted to be alone, or so i think. i just had this yearning for someone else to be here with me, someone whom i can ask out anytime whenever i felt, alone. ahhh but there was no one in my mind. hmmm.

something have been on my mind.

the cross of obedience

it wasn't much in a while ago that i had a sort of "relapse" again. probably the work of satan and his malicious intents but oh-wells, i'm glad have gotten over it. and of course, with God's help.

well, life has always, and will forver be of ups and downs for me. dealing with sins, temptations, guilt, shame; the likes of this screwed up world. and living in this conditioned world is never easy. taming the innate ugly nature of man is ever more difficult.

as a young man living in such a world, i often ask myself the purpose God has for me. why place me in such a hellish planet with full of suffering and pain, yet dousing me in His forgiveness, leaving me with much guilt and shame. worst of all, causing me to develope a sense of hatred for my flesh.

most of the time i'll just live with it, let it come and go. just keep sinning, feeling guilty, yet knowing i've been forgiven yet again. and... sin comes to play again, with the whole cycle rowing back in.
i'd always try to deal with it, trying to deny myself the rights of a human, stuffing myself in endless emotional torture and beating on my own the excruciating pain of isolation and loneliness.
people around me find me weird and scary, pointing out how i used to hide myself from this world, afraid i fall into any booby-traps satan has laid out for me.

don't they know these are the process of a christian, trying really hard to be a christian?
we have to learn how to deny ourselves, our identity with this world and finding ourselves living in Christ. we have to learn to crucify our old man on the cross, to take up a new identity. well of course they don't.

why have i failed and failed to succeed? losing battles to satan and the world? finding myself so dirty and disowned by God? well, i felt that way because i needed to learn that God will never disown me. and that His unconditional Great Love for me has already forgiven me, urging me to try again and learn, how to become a better christian.

I have failed because i tried to follow Him with my own strength, with my own ability. and i would have always fail, until i know that i cannot do it myself, with my human ability. that i will fail, until i allow God to take full ownership of my life. to pick up my own cross and follow Him in baptism.

obedience. i cannot carry my cross on my own. i have to let Him carry it for me. then, will i succeed. i am still struggling with personal wars in myself, my spritual self with my worldly self. i know that sometimes i fall to sin and temptation, but this is the process of me failing, so i will learn how to succeed with His strength. to dis-identify myself with this world, my flesh's desires and nature, to identify and yoke myself with God.

and i know i am not alone.
every christian is struggling. because we know that He loves us, and we want to love him.
we need Him.

and not to forget the first step of our obedience is baptism.
that we proclaim our death to this world, and our lives to God.
we shout to satan and tell him to leave us alone because we BELONG to GOD.

we might fail sometimes, falling back to this world. but we know that He still loves us and we try again... not with our own strength, but by His.
Praise God.
let Him bear our cross.


you're not alone.

No griping

I know i've been forgiven. His great love, His boundless mercy.

"when things go wrong, i will not be a grumbler,
Complaining, seeing everything as grim;
For when i think of how the Lord has blessed me,
I cannot help but give my praise to Him." -Hess

And stop pretending you understand. Cause you don't, you will never.

Voices. Struggle.

I cant trust. I cant talk. Just leave me by myself.

there is still hope... He is there... Waiting for you...

GO AWAY GO AWAY! i don't want... i don't want... i cant take it anymore... i want to die...

Its tough i know... But with His strength you can do it!

With His strength? I cant even feel Him anymore! He has left me. I'm too dirty too lousy too unhim... I cant go back... I cant...

Pick up yourself...

I cant. Its too heavy... He wun help me... I'm too far away... Too deep down... I'm too weak....i'm sorry just go away...

Destruction.

Trapped in destitute, lost.
I've lost. I've lost to the world.
No more in His glory i shine.
I've been abandoned. By myself.

Too unworthy, too unfaithful.
Struggles within me.
Too ashamed, too human.

I'm sorry.

Back to obedience

When comforts are declining,
If grants the soul again
A reason of clear shining,
To aides it after rain. -Cowper


"If you sense your faith is unraveling, go back to where you dropped the thread of obedience."

deliver me

i slipped. again... and i cnnt talk to no one. fuck man. i dunno i dunno i cnnt speak a shit... damnit.

it always happens! i just want it to stop... i want it to stop... to stop. i dont want to continue anymore... its so freaking tiring...

i know He still loves me. but.. i cnnt take it anymore. im too unworthy.
no one can help me... no one will understand.. no one will believe. and i know that. because ive tried.

i just keep falling... and when i pick myself up again, i know i'll fall again. and then i fall again. and pick up again. please stop it.... i too tired. too unworthy... i wanna give it all up.

why issit so tiring to be a christian?? that i have to live in guilt and fear and bloody hatred for this stupid planet.

i see myself again, in the bath... curled up in one corner... water crashing down my head... i wept, i slammed the wall and grit my teeth i punched...
and i cnnt die. cos its not my time yet. fuck.

i dun wanna belong here anymore... i cnnt do it.
i know im not supposed to overcome with my old flesh...
i just cnnt.. i dunno how.

i know i dun want to be alone... yet i cnnt say... i cant open up... i cant i really cant.

the Lord has been good to me. Really. We broke our timing today, and finally defeated the 2min barrier. And i can affirm everyone that its really by His grace. Thank God, and i'm truely sorry...no one is like You. I'm glad i have you in my life. Love being Loved by you.

back!

IM BACK FROM MALAYSIA (CHURCH CAMP)!!!!!! =))))

REALLY HAD LOTS AND LOTS OF FUN THOU=// MISSED QUITE A COUPLE OF TRAININGS...O.0 LOL

IM TIRED... SO I BLOG AGAIN ANOTHER TIME...=///

SEEYA!~

sorry for the caps... too excited.o.0

whee

ok i decided to blog not only when im emo but also when im happy! hmmm my blog have been rather dull for a while so i shld upload a few pics!=D

ME AND COLLIN!!!

NYKRT~

1st try audrey tried to get into the picture

oh she just gave up.

go ahead... take a picture=)

Me and my dear sister with TEDDIESSS!!=D

awwww dun sulk!!

ok this is much better!

EVER SO HOT... MARIAH CAREY!!!=))

loves~

i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing

i dun care what people say but

i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing

i might not be that good at it but still

i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing i love rowing

=DDDD



and most impt!!!


I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD! I LOVE GOD!

singing

its a happy day, well things are gonna get better! =D

Its a happy day! I'm singing for my Lord!:)