pit

i just feel like i'm climbing out of a deep pit....
Praying someday that i'll reach the bright light above my head.
Climbing and climbing knowing i'm nearer the top for each push upwards...

Each step is difficult...
I bruised my hand, my fingers bend elbows.
All scratched and worn.
Blood stains envelop my arms...
Yet i had continue... Pushed myself and ahead.
I wouldn't let go! No matter how jaded and rough the walls were...

There was my dream! Up there!
I couldn't give up... I wouldn't...


Yet... The circle of light wasn't any bigger... Wasn't any nearer...
I start to wonder.
What have i been climbing for...
When i just wouldn't reach the top... What have i bled for? Have sweat for? Have pushed on for
...

I would just let go and fall all the way down...
Down... And collapse and die.

what am i hoping for...?

Can someone just come up to me and tell me everything is going to be alright?

Maybe i can hide my disappointment and fear when i'm facing you guys.

After every training i just feel more inferior.

Life can be so unfair isn't it. Yeah i'm training like twice the time you train.

Just that you're in a better position.

Why am i putting in so much effort?

I am not there nor here. I don't have a choice, do i?

Scorn on me. Sure i suck. Trample on me.

Hero

in love with this.

the finals

we must do it
we will do it
we should do it


WE CAN DO IT.






i hope.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YANYU!
may you be blessed with long life (sounds so ... hahhas)

okae lah. may you be blessed with 1047103731960318As in your A levels!=)

disgrunt

argh. Disclaimer: this post would most probably become my valley of rants. Seriously if you cant stand people complaining please don't scroll down. But if you're willing to be my "listening ear", well, i'm just glad someone's trying to understand yea?


Oh right. So right. Where have all my training went to? I mean... I've been rowing almost everyday and squeezing between studies and rowing is never easy.

So what. Am i like fast? Am i like the so called future-champion-in-national schools? Seriously, something is wrong. I don't even clock timings like what i should be doing, and what others are doing now, if i'm even going to win anything. Haiz... I'm lost. I'm tired. I am really disappointed and greatly afraid....

Things are not turning out well. And it hasn't been improving... My hopes are almost dashed... My dreams almost gone.
I know... I know i shouldn't be so worried... I know i should leave everything into His hands. Now, do i know how tough it is...

I don't know what is gonna happen to me.

Haiz... Do any of you knows what i'm talking about? Well, probably not. Maybe only those i've spoken too...
Don't leave me with nothing left to cling onto...
I know i'm weak... So much as i want to be strong and optimistic.

But, what's there to be optimistic about? Its only a month away... We cant even balance. Talk about going fast.

What i do is only complain and complain throughout the whole thing, trying to focus but nothing seems to go right. Everything's so bleak. Well, most probably having swimming lessons? I don't want to start blaming or anything. I know its partly due to me. But i dunno where to pick up from. Freak.

Now, don't get me wrong... I love rowing. Absolutely. That's probably the reason why i still hang on on wed and sat. Maybe that's the reason why i go down on other days too. Ahhh seriously, i dream bout rowing. But, loving it but sucking in it is not working, at all.
Freak. No one cares what i say. Cher don't. No one do. All i get is shit and f***s from him, hollering down from the other boat. Damn.

Ahhh i should be going back to my physics spa now. Enough said. I hope i didn't offend anyone cos i've no intention too... Haiz.

Dear God? Please help. Please... Really do. Because i'm stuck.

perilodints! Platter platter dam dam... Deeves hono hmmm goon!


Eeyore.

Cry In My Heart

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
[For I've been here before]
[Yet I know there's still more]
[Oh Lord I need to know You]

For what do I have
if I don't have you Jesus?
What in this life
could mean anymore?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
of my head


-Starfield

let me hear,

so i fear, so i do.
and of course i cry, i am weak.
I KNOW THAT I'd DIE!

sometimes i feel that i know you
sometimes i feel that i dunno you.
im spinning...
round and round.

Matthew 25:11,12
11"Later the others also came. 'Sir! Sir!' they said. 'Open the door for us!'
12"But he replied, 'I tell you the truth, I don't know you.'

when it comes the time, that You'll deny me...

seriously, i am unable to express how i feel in this blog post.
why do i feel so empty inside?
why am i so ashamed of myself?

all my time devoted to pursuing worldy loves, desires and namesake,
i've strayed, distracted.
deaf to all beckoning, calling. what have i done?
i know its not too late, but am i doing anything?

will i feel like this not soon after?
im afraid... im guilty... crying...

i keep telling myself to focus, discpline myself to excel in rowing and academics...
a jolt,
and...
i want to Love God.
i need to wake up.

and i need to forsake everything else.
let me hear,

i yearn... To be loved...

i should just let go.

it's pain. And it hurts.

how

butterflies of beauty.
melodies too perfect.
so pure, but never white.
justified, but deemed wrong.

borned into a world, forbidden.
hated by the hated
loved by the loved.
its wrong i know,
its right i know.
confused? me too.

relinquish?
not want to.

tell the children tales of brave noble knights, loyal servants and hardworking dogs!
Hark! Screams of the angels in black jeweled crowns.
Deafen thy ears and blind thy eyes,
No more of such lies.

when there's nothing left to hold on to.
When life has brought fucking mental pain.
When those screams in your mind are drowned by even more screams.
When bleeding wrists mean nothing at all anymore.
When empty promises, an endless trend.
When pseudo concerns revealed pretends.
When it just leaves one thing holding me from taking my own life.
When i am forsaken.
Me no more.

with no one to look for. To talk to.

I cry out in endless agony and scream in my mind. No one will understand. No one will.

No one cares.


Tell me i'm forsaken. My heart taste bitter tears every night. Every night. It's so dark, so dark. Just so dark...


Why have everyone left?

alone

repressed. beyond my control.
sometimes things happen,
they happen for a reason?
i have nothing, no one.

the guilt of my shortcoming,
my sin and shame.

the curse that lives with me,
lie in my heart forever.
when suddenly love forbids.

the greatest power on earth,
with me. yet i forsake, and forget.
how could i,
throw it away?

i used to stand against all odds,
no fear, i believed.
i prayed for strength.

what have becomed of me,
take a look at me now.
i am ashamed, appalled, abhored and dismayed.

i lay abandoned, destroyed, sin-felt dirty.
i am alone.

walk

walk beside Him obediently, without straying.